• The Revenant

    The Revenant

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Glass sure was glad he'd got Bear Grylls: Born Survivor on boxset the previous Christmas.

    1820's bear killing, Indian battling, elk slaughtering, snow mountain scaling, moonshine downing Northern American men gotta be the hardiest bastards in history.

    84/100

  • Argo

    Argo

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Last thirty minutes was suspenseful as fuck. Then again, they weren't gonna make a film about a failed rescue mission.

    Good movie but would rather they had made the actual argo screenplay with blue Chewbacca.

    71/100

  • Moneyball

    Moneyball

    ★½

    I don't know baseball terms. I don't know baseball history. I don't know baseball players. I don't know what the big deal with the tactics was. I don't know how I stayed awake this entire movie.

    Basically like one of those documentaries that play on sports channels when there's no games on except it's really overdramatized and has a shit ton of big name actors.

    25/100

  • Kicking & Screaming

    Kicking & Screaming

    ★★★

    Byong Sun was found dead later that week after his bid to balance minor league soccer and a cocaine drug empire came to a violent end. He is said to have taken out twelve men in a shout-out that lasted over 46 minutes.

    Robert Duvall later discussed the psychological effects that starring in this film, where themes such as abuse, addiction, Byung Son and imperviousness were tackled, had on him as a man.

    62/100

  • The Gentlemen

    The Gentlemen

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Why the fucks everyone talking in fruity sarcastic metaphors.

    I dunno what it is but English gangsters/ rappers always just seem like wannabe Americans with laughably unthreatening accents. McConaughe was pretty cool though.

    71/100

  • Starship Troopers

    Starship Troopers

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Hilarious how there was never a proper sequel after that random rushed ending that tried desperately to tease a sequel. Motherfucking Neil Patrick Harris shows up for like the second time in the movie with his mind reading gag that I'd forgotten about then Carmen says something like "I feel like when the free of us are together, good things will happen".

    Funniest part of this is how cheerful everyone is seconds after something traumatic happens. Has to be one of the smiliest movies I've watched.

    64/100

  • The Imitation Game

    The Imitation Game

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    They had enough great material they could work with around Turing's story that they didn't need to throw in those stupid unecessery conflicts that definitely didn't happen in real life. Like I doubt the commander tried to shut down the operation because the big machine he didn't understand wasn't working fast enough. I also doubt that Turing's genius colleagues were ignorant idiots that had to be won over by demonstration and not logic.

    Not to brag but I was thinking…

  • Napoleon Dynamite

    Napoleon Dynamite

    ★★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Was so preoccupied by Napoleon's demonstration on how to live life like an unforgiving, zero fucks giving, always winning, pussy smasher, bike crasher Tater tot stasher that I didn't even bother to question what in the fuck that subplot with the black lady was.

    This movie represents the pinnacle amount of effort you gotta give in life. You can tell the creators of this were just making it up as they go along, throwing in ideas, not really caring what external opinions are gonna be like, laughing their asses off the whole time yet still trying to make something they can be proud of.

    91/100

  • The Young Offenders

    The Young Offenders

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    To think there's an alternate ending where the two become cocaine kingpins that run the South of Ireland.

    Pretty impressive how light they kept this plot.

    70/100

  • Step Brothers

    Step Brothers

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    This shits too much, like 90% of the comedy is just "adult acts like child" followed by "adult acts massively dissabled".

    "Boats n Hoes" is a certified hood classic though, I have it on repeat.

    38/100

  • Gladiator

    Gladiator

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Mans gonna have a hard time explaining that one to his wife in the afterlife.

    Ancient Romes interesting as fuck and I can appreciate an accurate reconstruction of it but it's dissapointing this isn't even based on a true story. Huge respect to Maximus for repping the MF Doom mask though.

    65/100

  • El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie

    El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Review is on Breaking Bad as a whole.

    A morally scrutinising, hilarious tragedy. In the final episodes you learn that it isn't a show following the formation of Walters "bad" but more the slow unveiling of it. Yet even with that, as he lies satisfied in death on the floor of that meth lab I have a strange melancholic pity towards the man and the destruction he caused. Walter White, fiction's greatest tragic hero.

    Jesse has to be the most…