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  • Castle Rock 

    Castle Rock 

    ½

    This movie stars Ernest Borgnine as THE BORDER WALL boldly holding back the hordes of illegal German Shepherds trying to enter our country. His granddaughter is a misbehaving teenager but instead of sending her to her room her parents send her to the desert to die. Eventually as in most of his other movies Borgnine collapses and dies leaving her all alone with a migrant worker who Borgnine nicknames Taco Bender. She tries to fight him off by burning his…

  • Barn Red

    Barn Red

    ½

    This absolutely dreadful piece of fucking garbage stars Ernest Borgnine as a righteous farmer railing against urban sprawl and bureaucratic inefficiency. Jerry Seinfeld's Native American girlfriend comes to stay with him and while she's there decides to give one of the worst performances by an actress I've ever seen. After an hour of discussions about tax law, traffic impacts, and zoning ordinances she ends up with AIDS for some reason? It all leads up to the climactic board meeting where…

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  • Last Days

    Last Days

    ½

    Oh I can definitely sympathize with the main character, I wanted to fucking kill myself the entire time as well.

  • The Vikings

    The Vikings

    ★★★½

    This movie stars Ernest Borgnine as RAGNAR, lord of all Vikings, whom wields the Mjölnir of acting. He literally SMASHES Kirk Douglas in to the ground. He PUMMELS Tony Curtis to his knees. He rapes and pillages the coast of Janet Leigh. His performance alone sent this movie to box office Valhalla (Valhalla is good). Then I think Kirk Douglas got an eye poked out by Janet Leigh’s bra or something, it’s hard to remember there was a lot of fog.