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  • Ernest Borgnine on the Bus

    Ernest Borgnine on the Bus

    ★★★

    Well, here it is: The greatest film ever made. You can tell because it says Ernest Borgnine right in the name. In this movie Borgnine sings opera, eats, signs autographs for people who pretend to know who he is, visits the Miller beer plant and gets shit-faced, eats, makes a wrong turn, talks with creepy white trash RV neighbors, is a clown, eats, is impressed with a large volume of corn, visits a shoe factory (apparently for a second time?), and pumps his own shit out of a bus. MASTERPIECE.

  • Law and Disorder

    Law and Disorder

    ½

    Not unlike De Niro and Pacino in Heat, this movie brings together the reigning titans of cloud-yelling old men, Ernest Borgnine and Archie Bunker. It's 1974 in NYC which means the city is pretty much run by Warriors, so Borgnine and Bunker team up to form a racist right wing vigilante group. First they procure a fake police car and then get in to some civil right violations, top shelf rape victim blaming, and unironic use of the word nigger.…

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  • Last Days

    Last Days

    ½

    Oh I can definitely sympathize with the main character, I wanted to fucking kill myself the entire time as well.

  • The Vikings

    The Vikings

    ★★★½

    This movie stars Ernest Borgnine as RAGNAR, lord of all Vikings, whom wields the Mjölnir of acting. He literally SMASHES Kirk Douglas in to the ground. He PUMMELS Tony Curtis to his knees. He rapes and pillages the coast of Janet Leigh. His performance alone sent this movie to box office Valhalla (Valhalla is good). Then I think Kirk Douglas got an eye poked out by Janet Leigh’s bra or something, it’s hard to remember there was a lot of fog.