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  • McHale's Navy

    McHale's Navy

    This extended television episode stars Ernest Borgnine in his signature role as secretary of the Navy. It's essentially 90 minutes of people falling down in front of rear projection screens interrupted only by a scandalous shot of an exposed bra strap. In order to fix a race the boys disguise a horse using Borgnine's back hair shavings and engage in all sorts of casual racism on the way to the track, including against Australians somehow. None of it really matters in the end though because some fog from The Vikings rolls in and obscures the photo finish and also because this movie sucks.

  • The Last Match

    The Last Match

    ½

    This movie staring Ernest Borgnine fulfills every right winger's wet dream by combining their two favorite things: precisely executed military tactics and football. A couple of gringos visit an unnamed Latin American country (this way they can be racist against many countries instead of just one) and some vato drops a condom full of horse in the girl's bag. Her punk ass boyfriend splits when the federales arrest her and goes crying to her dad who just happens to be…

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  • Last Days

    Last Days

    ½

    Oh I can definitely sympathize with the main character, I wanted to fucking kill myself the entire time as well.

  • The Vikings

    The Vikings

    ★★★½

    This movie stars Ernest Borgnine as RAGNAR, lord of all Vikings, whom wields the Mjölnir of acting. He literally SMASHES Kirk Douglas in to the ground. He PUMMELS Tony Curtis to his knees. He rapes and pillages the coast of Janet Leigh. His performance alone sent this movie to box office Valhalla (Valhalla is good). Then I think Kirk Douglas got an eye poked out by Janet Leigh’s bra or something, it’s hard to remember there was a lot of fog.