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  • The Birth of a Nation

    The Birth of a Nation

    ★½

    So bad it has surely set the negro race back decades. I mean Chinatown is one thing, but to rape and then make... this? A cavalcade of horrors that might have upset me if I wasn't laughing so much at the accompanying score, full of lush string swells and solo sopranos. Clearly desperate for legitimacy, perhaps it might have succeeded in the hands of a less inept filmmaker. If this had instead been released as a Hallmark movie of the week called Insurrection of the Heart I would not have known the difference.

  • Sully

    Sully

    ★½

    Straight GARBAGE. Supposedly a film about the nature of heroism, really it's just a transparent allegory for American exceptionalism. Look at how great we are and all the good we try to do, how dare anyone question it. Extended scenes of people being quickly rescued (and a post-script to remind us of how efficiently everyone came together to save them), where the fuck was this during Katrina? Just fuck off and die old man, you're a complete hack.

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  • Last Days

    Last Days

    ½

    Oh I can definitely sympathize with the main character, I wanted to fucking kill myself the entire time as well.

  • The Vikings

    The Vikings

    ★★★½

    This movie stars Ernest Borgnine as RAGNAR, lord of all Vikings, whom wields the Mjölnir of acting. He literally SMASHES Kirk Douglas in to the ground. He PUMMELS Tony Curtis to his knees. He rapes and pillages the coast of Janet Leigh. His performance alone sent this movie to box office Valhalla (Valhalla is good). Then I think Kirk Douglas got an eye poked out by Janet Leigh’s bra or something, it’s hard to remember there was a lot of fog.