Suspiria ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

History of Horror week 11: witches

i had to keep this as a challenge fulfillment (even though I was trying to keep fantastic fest separate from all of that) because if it makes me feel better about having seen this.

This was the secret screening for Fantastic Fest, which I had not so privately been hoping would be Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween. God above, I wish it had been Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween. Instead it was this, which I really did try to give a shot. But it was so booooooooooring.

Like, honestly, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills because people are really stoked on this and I just don't get it. Thom Yorke singing over scenes felt weird and bad. The cinematography was largely uninteresting and styleless. There were great actors but basically no great performances. Also, in 2018, you have to use witches in an interesting way or you're just mindlessly rehashing the misogynistic tropes which built the genre.

That body horror scene was tight, and there were aspects of the finale I liked (even if the cgi blood looked so fuckn cheap and bad), but.... It's just like what am I missing? Why is this movie the way it is? What the fuck was Luca G thinking? AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE SUBPLOT BECAUSE IT WAS POINTLESS AND HAD NO PLACE IN THIS MOVIE I HATE TO SAY THINGS ABSOLUTELY BUT HONESTLY WTF WHy

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