Branson has written 1,259 reviews for films with no rating.

  • Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

    Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

    Show me a Star Wars that's half as good as this AARP commercial in space. If you say Empire I'll concede that that one is exactly half as good. But that's it.

    Beautiful movie. I wish Roddenberry hadn't been quite so utopian in his vision for the future. Admirable as it is (and if I really stop to think about it, I think that optimism is the secret ingredient to Star Trek's magic) utopia is worth investigating and criticizing. We…

  • Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

    Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

    This is a tricky one, no two ways about it.

    First thing's first: this is a pro-Shatner account. Not saying he's a saint or anything. Every person who ever worked with him has something at least mildly bad to say about him and I'm 90% sure he'll get into NFTs with his remaining time on this earth if he hasn't already. But I believe in meeting people where they are, and a Canadian egotist who was born in 1931 and…

  • Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

    Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

    Insane that this works. On paper it's a mess. A bunch of visibly aging people from the future travel back in time to save two whales and the whole thing has a lightly comedic fish-out-of-water tone. What if this was the first Star Trek anything? I'll tell you what if: it would work. I know because this is the first Star Trek thing I saw as a kid. That's not totally true. I saw Worf at Paramount King's Dominion when…

  • Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

    Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

    Probably the best of the bad ones imo. If this is a below average installment of your franchise you're alright in my book. It's not his fault but Christopher Lloyd (as the first cool looking Klingon) never rises above the threat of a nuisance and so the whole thing drags and -earned as it is- the resurrection of Spock creates a feeling that no negative consequences are permanent if you're a beloved enough character. Look, I'm glad to get him…

  • Ghostbusters: Afterlife

    Ghostbusters: Afterlife

    It's sort of novel how annoying Finn Wolfhard is in this. He's so authentically an unfunny fifteen year old that I started to wonder if he wrote his own lines. I don't even think it's his fault. You do one little Netflix TV show with Winona Ryder and all of a sudden everybody has to watch you get tall and mean as your brain develops into a comedian's brain. I'm not kidding, I feel awful for him. The money and…

  • The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

    The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

    I get that if you build the entire plane out of the black box it'll never take off, I do. Still I can't help but wish this was just the Buster Scruggs segment for 90-100 minutes.

  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

    Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

    Everybody's dressed so well in this one. It's winter on the Enterprise.

    It's very funny that the conventional wisdom is that Shatner can't act. He can. He just acts in a way that makes boring people feel embarrassed. Good.

  • The Outsiders

    The Outsiders

    My dad was a poor teenager in the same part of Oklahoma at the same time as this movie's set so this has always been a big one in my family. Two-Bit was a beacon for me; you could be a lazy asshole who watches Mickey Mouse all day and cracks jokes nobody laughs at but also be a cool cigarette smoking guy. If they remade this in 2006 I would've been a great choice to not play him because…

  • Unknown

    Unknown

    Watched this with my parents. I think it only exists if you get close enough to your parents. When I go back to California this movie will disappear from my consciousness. I won't miss or even remember it but I did enjoy our short time together. Permanence is an illusion, we will all return to the darkness. It does not void the light. Burn on, my friends.

  • Shrek 2

    Shrek 2

    For full context I watched this at a bachelor party where my friend Brian put it on to get everybody to go to sleep at three in the morning. It's not fair to watch a movie like that but at the same time, that's life. We can't all go into every movie like a lab controlled experiment. We have to just let film hit us where we're at, and this one hit me wrong at three in the morning after…

  • Blade: Trinity

    Blade: Trinity

    The closeup thing actually ends up working in the movie's favor because Wesley Snipes makes all these insanely funny faces and it's made much funnier by the fact that his face never shares the screen with anybody else.

    Also Parker Posey's so hot in this. Basically a perfect movie if you can ignore a lot of other stuff.

  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture

    Star Trek: The Motion Picture

    Avoided this for years because people said it was boring. And, like, sure. It's less exciting than a DS9 two parter. But most likely so are you. And I seriously doubt you ever gave the world a freaky proto-Borg villain who speaks like her voice is coming out of a wii-mote or DeForest Kelley dressed like the inventor of cocaine. So maybe shut the fuck up and have some respect.