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  • Alien: Covenant

    Alien: Covenant

    ★★★★

    everyone was hyping up the fassbender on fassbender kiss, but that was nowhere NEAR as explicitly gay as the recorder scene, so now i'm gonna overhype it to make up for the lack of hype. 
    the recorder scene changed me as a person. i truly believe it makes up for every flaw in this movie. i was considering giving it a 3 1/2 rating and then i remembered the recorder scene and how physically shook i was in that theater…

  • X-Men: Apocalypse

    X-Men: Apocalypse

    ★★★

    you know what ...... here's a review of the gag reel instead

    the high point: erik saying to charles, "i love your body." charles responding, "i love my body too. every tuesday night. and i think of you."
    the low point: there's straight up just a montage of j*nnifer l*wrence saying "lunch!"

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  • Colossal

    Colossal

    ★★★½

    there's a scene where anne hathaway goes to an old western section of a bar & says "it's like a fuckin wes anderson movie in here!" 

    do you think that wes will ever see this film? if so, do you think he will be pleasantly surprised to have his name dropped like that? or do you think he'll be like "... um ... no it's not... ?" and uncomfortably fidget in his yellow corduroy suit?
    do you think the filmmakers got…

  • Suspiria

    Suspiria

    ★★★★★

    actors: $2000
    hair/makeup: $300
    dubbing: $1050
    lighting: $12 million
    special effects: $750

    someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying