Jupiter Ascending ★★½

channing tatum plays a genetically engineered “military wolf” who zooms around in zero gravity roller skates because his wings were cut off (everyone knows wolves have wings). “bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty” is something that sean bean, who is genetically spliced with a bee, has to say with a straight face. the main plot point is that a group of 14000-year-old royal alien siblings are attempting to either marry or murder their 25-year-old human mommy. but the nuttiest part is in the first 20 minutes ... when mila kunis tries to sell her eggs to buy a $4000 telescope on ebay

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