• Godzilla: King of the Monsters

    Godzilla: King of the Monsters

    ★★½

    me: i will never watch a MonsterVerse™ godzilla movie
    kyle chandler in the Godzilla vs. Kong trailer: godzilla is hurting people and we don’t know why
    me: i will watch every MonsterVerse™ godzilla movie

  • My Favorite Wife

    My Favorite Wife

    ★★★½

    every review already says this but bicon cary grant visibly sweating while watching his real-life boyfriend randolph scott do the sickest pool dive?? followed by a scene of cary grant unable to focus at work because he’s being tormented by vivid fantasies of randolph scott and his flippy water acrobatics????? WWII should’ve ended right here

  • Mikey and Nicky

    Mikey and Nicky

    ★★★★½

    every time i watch this i get something different out of it!!! today it’s about when you realize that the friend you’ve devoted years of your life to loving has changed into someone you barely recognize — someone who used to make you feel like the truest version of yourself, but who now dredges up your most vile insecurities. the only way to save your soul is to amputate them like a gangrenous limb, and that process is just as painful as it sounds. 

    in short, it’s about how sometimes you gotta ghost your toxic friend before you become the toxic friend 👻

  • The Nest

    The Nest

    ★★★★

    carrie coon and jude law. CARRIE COON and jude law. carrie coon and JUDE LAW. CARRIE COON AND JUDE LAW!!!!!!!

    so many dramas about upper-class families on the verge of collapse, of frustrated housewives and lying husbands, but what elevates The Nest above its oft-stagnant sub-genre is that the doomed couple in question is CARRIE COON AND JUDE LAW. it's blonde-on-blonde emotional violence of the highest caliber, fermenting within the stone walls of their frigid manor, the antithesis of homey comfort. carrie coon is on her gena rowlands shit. jude law is on his Closer (2004) shit. i'm on my Don't Let The Academy Ignore Them shit

  • Life

    Life

    ★★

    The Official ROBsessed Thirst-Watching Guide

    CHAPTER 7: LIFE (2015)
    i like dane dehaan! i do! i really do! but dane dehaan as james dean? dane dehaan as james dean giving multiple long, rambling monologues that you barely understand because he mumbles all his lines? dane dehaan as james dean taking valuable screen time away from the objectively less interesting photographer character played by robert pattinson? and worst of all ... dane dehaan as james dean interacting with eartha kitt but…

  • The Lobster

    The Lobster

    ★★★★½

    claws up, little lobsters! 🦞

  • Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

    Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

    ★★★★

    wallace babe are you okay? you’ve barely touched your cheese 😳

  • Big Trouble in Little China

    Big Trouble in Little China

    ★★★

    hm ... i get that carpenter’s intention is to poke fun at stale tropes about east asian mysticism and damsels in distress, but it feels more imitative than subversive. i’m also very very very wary of when a plot revolves around rescuing a woman who spends most of her screen time unconscious (even though Tenet came out 35+ years later i will still call it the Tenet Effect).

    “John Carpenter envisioned the film as an inverse of traditional scenarios in…

  • Finding Nemo

    Finding Nemo

    ★★★★½

    i miss when pixar movies were 75% singular adventure, 25% sentimental message instead of the other way around

  • The Bad Mother's Handbook

    The Bad Mother's Handbook

    The Official ROBsessed Thirst-Watching Guide

    CHAPTER 6: THE BAD MOTHER'S HANDBOOK (2007)
    DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE POSTER!!! poster salaciously and falsely implies that robert pattinson is the protagonist and that catherine tate is the bad mother who takes advantage of him ... in reality, this is the premise: what if juno focused entirely on the mother/daughter relationship, what if robert pattinson played paulie bleeker, and what if it was all really really really really really bad? 🤔

    THIRST…

  • Event Horizon

    Event Horizon

    ★★★½

    asked my roommate what she wanted to watch and she simply said “space or ghosts.” 

    went above and beyond by picking something with space AND ghosts AND sam neill being weird 💯

  • Let Them All Talk

    Let Them All Talk

    ★★★½

    lucas hedges active listening skills UNMATCHED