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  • Texasville

    Texasville

    ★★★★

    what a great feeling when a movie is exactly what you want it to be. this is a beautiful sunday morning type of picture, effortlessly moving between chill and funny and heartbreaking in a dusty little town populated by denim and dairy queens and budweisers and boots and mexican silver belt buckles and IGA pickles and brown lakewater and jeans with worn out circles where a can of chaw sits in the back pockets. i picked this because i'm currently…

  • Mindwarp

    Mindwarp

    ★★

    what u want: low-rent gender swapped johnny mnemonic/total recall ripoff

    what u get: low-rent texas chainsaw massacre 2-looking mad max/the giver (???) ripoff where angus scrimm plucks a tween girl's eye out and then throws her into a giant human-juicer so mutant cannibals can drink her blood out of a bathtub using human skulls as cups and that isn't even the grossest or silliest part

    what u learn: look up whether or not a movie was produced by fangoria before watching

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  • Minions

    Minions

    when i say i would die for my daughter, it doesn't only mean i would give her a vital organ or make her drink the last of the water in a desert or take her place in front of an oncoming speeding vehicle or pull her out of a burning building. it also means i will die thousands upon thousands of small deaths - i watched the seconds of my life tick slowly away as i endured the mind-numbing boredom…

  • La La Land

    La La Land

    ★★★

    i don't care what anyone - including the director - says, this movie is only about one thing: the soft spot you'll always have for the first obnoxious dumbass you fell in love with