Her ★★★★★

it’s been a while. over two years ago, i talked about what at the time was one of the lowest points in my life, and how Her was a perfect conduit to talk about that pain to a bunch of strangers who miraculously cared about my writing. watching it again brought back all those fractured, anxiety riddled memories in a way that felt like i was meeting a ghost again. in hindsight it was crazy to walk such long distances for hours on end, obsessively, not even letting storms and snow get in the way of “seeing” the person i imagined in my mind. 

so to expand on that previous entry from what felt like a lifetime ago...i’ve met so many of those men in real life by now that i pictured myself in idealized relationships with, like i wished upon a genie and it came true. what i wouldnt know at the time is that being with someone will not save you. and i think that’s what i actually wanted at the time, someone to just swoop down and take away every thought that i didnt like or insecurity i couldnt fight. 

but what i also didnt know at the time is how much i would grow. all the things that plagued me about my life then, not being in school, or being with anyone or letting social anxiety get in the way or wanting to make movies but now knowing where to start...all the problems i have in life now are related to schoolwork, how a guy im on a date with can annoy me, or how my friends in real life like to scare me from around the corner, or how film equipment is expensive but im taking that step. its all like an hourglass now.

i feel like ive been neglecting those responsibilities as a writer recently because of how preoccupied i am with all of that. its not that serious at all but anyone who knows me knows that if i take something seriously like i do this, i run away with it. and i love that about myself, honestly. so see you around like you used to see me.

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