Tarzan, the Ape Man ★½

(For the White Elephant Blogathon)

With a too-cute heart-shaped wipe, John Derek's Tarzan, The Ape Man makes the clumsy transition from shouty (courtesy Richard Harris, naturally) father-daughter reunion drama to insipid, excruciatingly drawn out does-he/she-like-me romance notable primarily for the occasional appearance of Bo Derek's breasts. Either section, however, is preferable to the hastily introduced finale, which mines the threat of rape for titillation while finally giving Tarzan an excuse to do something other than play hot/cold with his crush. The only thing worth doing with this dull, misshapen affair is to find some entertainment value in its odd, often dubious choices.

-

(With apologies to Jane's Addiction)

Jane says
I've come to Africa
A land of constant sunburn
She's here
To find her old man
Says he'll stuff the white ape
But if we can find a beach
Tell him to carry on ahead
So I can swim naked
I'm gonna swim naked
I'm gonna swim naked

Jane says
Have you seen my blouse around?
You can almost see through it
She spies
A lion on the beach
And a buff man
Running across the sand
Jane says
I wish this dude would stop
With the carrying away
And let me swim naked
I want to swim naked
I'm gonna swim naked

--

(With apologies to Timbuk3)

Tarzan, was an ape man
Tarzan, was an ape man
Swung slo-mo on a leafy ride
Abducted Jane from the riverside
Tarzan, was an ape man

Tarzan, was a strong man
Tarzan, was a strong man
Canned cry rattled through the tress
Snake montage brought him to his knees
Tarzan, was a strong man

Tarzan, was out cold, man
Tarzan, was out cold, man
Jane ran hands across his muscled bod
With knowing grins did chimps applaud
Tarzan, was out cold, man

Tarzan, was a virgin
Tarzan, was a virgin
Afraid of Jane, he climbed away
Had to be coaxed out to play
Tarzan, was a virgin

Tarzan, was a breast man
Tarzan, was a breast man
Swam with Jane in his lagoon
Splashed her blouse, fondled boob
Tarzan, was a breast man

*harmonica solo*

Tarzan, was a guardian
Tarzan, was a guardian
From afar he heard Jane's complaint
Saved his girl from body paint
Tarzan, was a guardian

Tarzan, was an ape man
Tarzan, was an ape man
Wrestled with monkey in the nude
Jane joined in, she's no prude
Tarzan, was an ape man

Report this review