Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead ★½

It starts off in that loud, bombastic way you know only Zack Snyder could do.

A couple shots of zombie titties, blood, gore and" Viva Las Vegas" playing in the background amidst an apocalyptic warzone really does get the blood pumping and the cinematic balls tingling.

I'm thinking to myself, great. What could go wrong? I'm lovin this. Army of the Dead's opening is awesome. I don't get the critics. These pricks must have it out for Snyder.

(Watches more of the film)

Ohhhh....I see.

Then the inevitable flaws that have plagued his previous films begin to rear thier ugly head. Bloated CGI visuals. Bloated backstories. Bloated everything else stuffed into a bloated screen time. Laden with his hit or miss style of comedy.

It's good for like the first 10....15 minutes. Then it hits a brick wall of exposition and too much filler that slows all the aforementioned adrenaline packed fun to a crawl. At this point, I was ready to tap out. But, seeing as how I have nothing better to to do. I soldiered on.

Ever since he hit it big with Dawn of the Dead (2004) which I had watched the hell out of back in the day, he's been a busy busy boy. Here, we have Snyder return to the zombie genre with all the new tricks he's picked up over the last decade and a half. In many ways, it tops Dawn of the Dead (greater action, more boom boom, more bang bang) but in even more ways it pales in comparison (tension, group dynamics, genuine scares, character you actually cared about).

The team get together phase takes forever to end. When they do embark on the mission to Las Vegas we are already at the 50 minute mark. If it's one thing Snyder likes to do, it's take his damn time, whether we the audience like or not. While I was open to this in Justice League, I was in the mood for it here.

Snyder!!! Move the fucking plot!!! Everything in this movie takes forever. The action is good. But the edgier than thou characters and thier lame jokes get old fast. Really fast. And yet we are treated to thier company for the entire run of 2 hours and a half.

What the fuck Zack!!!

The whole soundtrack is a barrage of noise, horns and endless zombies screeches that it bewilders the mind's ability to enjoy any of it. It's a loud, over colored mess.

This proves that Zack Snyder, while an having an impressive eye for jaw dropping visuals and cool aesthetics, is not capable of telling a captivating story when left to his own devices without proper source material or oversight.

Army of the Dead is the absolute worst of the "junk food" cinema we are forced to consume nowadays. Loud music. Bright colors. No brains. This film is a definite skip. If you're still semi curious, go watch the cool opening and stop. It's better that way.

It's tough out here for cinephile in 2021.

And times are only going to get tougher. So start praying now to whatever god you worship amigos, because we've got some dark days ahead. No joke.

This movie sucked so hard it actually made me reconsider if I had treated Mortal Kombat (2021) too harshly.

And that's saying something.

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