• The Master

    The Master

    ★★★★★

    You can't take this life straight. You howl at the moon as some sort of prayer. You're a beast. You shed your hair yet it doesn't grow back. You have two shadows. There are three of you. You consume. It's all you do. You're a consumer and you're being consumed. Do you remember a time before the past started consuming you? Do you remember what freedom was like?
    For a very long time, I went to church, and I believed…

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    ★★★★★

    forget my last review none of the criticisms matter this movie rules in every way. haters will hate. Raimi haters will hate it and MCU haters will hate it. yet at the end of the day, this movie is the absolute balls. good day to you all .

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Pretty much what I expected: a total mess, reminiscent of so much of what I think is wrong with a lot of comic books, particularly modern ones. It's overstuffed with characters and refferences, throwing nonsense at the wall and hoping nerds get it. I got it though, because I am either a nerd who unfortunately likes this shit, or because Sam Raimi is just that good. Probably both. I have no doubt Marvel executives just wanted to make a weird…

  • Moon Knight

    Moon Knight

    I'm going to say some things almost immediately in this review that will likely make people take me less seriously, and if that's you, then unfollow me please. It's for your own good. I'm going to be sincere now.

    After I watched episode five, I listened to "The Place Where He Inserted the Blade" by Black Country, New Road and cried like a baby, then at 11 PM I went outside and walked around for a half an hour and…

  • Sufjan Stevens: Carrie & Lowell Live

    Sufjan Stevens: Carrie & Lowell Live

    ★★★★★

    There are very few men who have been as hot as Sufjan Stevens in this concert.

  • X-Men

    X-Men

    ★★½

    A perfect example of how to take incredible characters with so much potential and suck the life out of them until they are insufferable, brooding, boring assholes with no interesting qualities.
    "When they come out... does it hurt?"
    "Every time."
    Except for you, Rogue and Logan. I love you always.

  • Suspiria

    Suspiria

    ★★★★½

    I want to eat this movie
    it feels like transgender candy

  • Mulholland Drive

    Mulholland Drive

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The dream is ending. It's time to be done. It's time to go back home. I think it's fitting that this ends on the "silencio" show and not Diane's death, because this entire thing is the subconsciousness' interpretation of life and death and heartbreak. Reality seeps through into Diane's dreams, slowly, more and more, until she's staring death in the face, but even then, the dream continues, because she has to get to the sex scene.

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Revenge is bad. Revenge being bad is not what this movie says, but it is a fact it accepts and is what makes it function. When I saw the opportunity for Amleth's escape, I found myself so engrossed in the story, that I desperately wanted him to take it, even if I knew it would be anticlimactic, and even though I knew he wouldn't. He doesn't, of course, because he is controlled by his father, the ghost of his father,…

  • The Batman

    The Batman

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Total sensory satisfaction. Every shot looks straight out of a comic book, combined with the best sound design I've ever heard. Every footstep and rain drop, every time a train goes by, every time Batman pulls out his grappling hook gun and it makes the clicking noises, every time his cape blows, the hellish sound of the batmobile that I can feel in my bones. Best looking, best sounding movie of all time. I love that it somehow leans so…

  • Everything Everywhere All at Once

    Everything Everywhere All at Once

    ★★★★★

    I reviewed this when I first watched it, but I was too emotional. Film reviewing requires precise, unbiased, objective facts. This film is a cosmic gumbo of everything I could ever possibly find meaningful in a film. I will never forget the feelings I felt. I will never forget the tears I shed in front of everyone in the theater, and not caring at all what people thought of me. For the better half of this movie, I was a…

  • Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

    Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    An operatic tragedy about deep despair and grief causing two people to throw away any possibility they had for happiness in favor of vengeance. Bruce desperately pleads to the ghosts of his parents, for a life free from the grief their deaths caused him, a life free from the rage and the sadness. But the rage and the sadness is all he's ever known, and he's planned his entire life around it. He didn't plan on being happy. He didn't…