No Time to Die

No Time to Die ½


- The MGM lion getting a botched facelift
- The worst Universal opening logo ever
- Managing to somehow fuck up the intro, which only requires Bond to shoot straight at the lens with the blood flowing down (how do you get that so wrong?!)
- Daniel Craig's "farewell tour" i.e. 5 minutes after slagging off the franchise he's the "belle of the ball" i.e. King Fake
- Co-Produced by Daniel Craig
- Daniel Craig oscillating between absolute apathy and Roger Moore levels of awkwardness
- The least memorable Bond theme and titles ever
- Hans Zimmer having absolutely no fucking clue where he is, using B-Sides of the Dark Knight Soundtrack when he's too busy trying to finger-bang Billie Eilish in the back of the Aston Martin
- The preceding point is the only explanation for the use of the On Her Majesty’s Secret Service soundtrack (wow)
- RAMI MALEK tucking into the biggest bag of crystal meth you've ever seen in your life (mask used to cover come-downs)
- ASH LOGAN A.K.A who the FUCK is he and does anyone give a FUCKKKK?!?!?!
- "I speak fifty languages but can't produce a decent performance using a single one of them" (two-time Academy Award winner - !?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! - Christoph Waltz)
- The Mile High Club / 20 kg overweight / actually drunk on set (Ralph Fiennes)
- Jeffrey Wright’s beer gut
- Rory Kinnear as the most awkward TANNER ever, seemingly in permanent need of taking a dump
- The flattest, most tepid bottle of Heineken in the history of Alcohol
- A portrait of Judy Dench on the wall (?!?!?!?!?!)
- A portrait of Bernard Lee on the wall (?!?!?!?!?!)
- Enough lens flares to make JJ Abrams prematurely ejaculate (his sperm ends up on his own glasses)
- Cary Joji Fukunaga's "vision" i.e. a colour palette resembling the inside of a nursing home / confused actors reading from different scripts / barely 3 action scenes / a reboot of the scene from Jurassic Park 2 when Peter Postlethwaite and his gang of rednecks start rounding up the dinosaurs in jeeps and bikes / who the FUCK is this guy and what has he actually done?!?!?! (I know True Detective is awful and I haven't even seen it yet)
- Ben Wishaw's gay orgy being interrupted by matters of national security (would have had more impact if Bond walked in on him receiving head from his boyfriend)
- Lashana Lynch "ushering in" an exciting, forward-thinking, diverse future for the franchise - only she's not, because she gives up her title and plays second fiddle to Bond immediately, for Absolutely No Fucking Reason.
- 'Absolutely No Fucking Reason' being the driving motivation behind every creative decision in this film.
- What was the fucking story? What were the character motivations? WHO THE FUCK CARES?!
- James Bond telling someone "I love you" ​(seriously)
- An ending that was trying desperately hard to make people feel the "emotion" only to succeed in confusing the fuck out of their target audience (misogynists and women who are attracted to misogynists) by asking them to emote
- Barbara Broccoli.

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