Monster Hunter

Monster Hunter ★½

Now, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: this movie is not good. Actually, it’s bad. 

Imagine a film written via machine-learning and set to a high-schooler’s SoundCloud imitation of the Tron: Legacy Soundtrack. A film featuring a hilariously miscast* Ron Perlman as a Viking cross between the Monkey King and the Cowardly Lion, and where 90% of the foley resembles a watermelon being smashed with a hammer. A movie with dragons, spiders, flaming swords, and a very blatant Hershey’s chocolate product placement. 

So yeah, it was pretty awesome, in that “I let Paul W.S. Anderson dutch-oven me with his Resident Evil farts for some reason” sort of way. There’s a sickening pleasure to bathing in this gooey soup of slow-motion, CGI, and Mila Jovovovovovich’s under-acting. Monster Hunter is not a comedy, but it may as well be. Only a director this high on his own supply would be able to produce something this laughable, and that’s kinda cute. 

I’m convinced Paul W.S. Anderson (my most watched director of 2019) has only ever watched his own movies. I haven’t really played the Monster Hunter games, but I assume that they have about as much to do with this film as Paul W.“I inject my own OC into every property”S. Anderson’s Resident Evil movies did with their games. He probably hasn’t played them either. Good. Screw ‘em. It’s on GamePass and I couldn’t be bothered.

Paul, keep making trash videogame movies for me.

*yeah you heard me

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