• The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    ★★★★

    Absolutely delightful. The direction is whatever, but Pascal and Cage are dynamite together. What this film says in jest, I say with conviction: Nicolas Cage can’t be ‘back’ because he never left. He’s always been the best and never stopped.

  • The Ghost of Lord Farquaad

    The Ghost of Lord Farquaad

    ★★

    I had forgotten how terrible 3D was before Avatar saved us, and then every movie for the next decade tried to ruin it again. But this is still the best Mike Myers thing I’ve seen since… yesterday!

    (Watched in anaglyph 3D as “Shrek 3-D” on DVD, unfortunately I was not able to experience the wet fart in 4D at Universal Studios)

  • The Pentaverate

    The Pentaverate

    The Pentaverate is a nigh-unendurable 6-episode tour-de-force for Mike Myers’ out-of-touch boomerisms and easy jokes. I did not laugh a single time.

    It’s somewhat upsetting that the same show features Mike Myers’ saggy, wide nutsack and Shrek. My most difficult watch since Cannibal Holocaust.

  • Moon Knight

    Moon Knight

    ★★★★

    More like Mid Knight haha get I’m gonna include the word mid in every 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 Star review I do from here on out.

    Everything in this show has been done before, whether way better (Legion’s pilot episode) or significantly worse (the recent Star Trek Picard season 2). I thought this was mostly well-directed but fairly misguided, jus a bit cheesy n cheeky luv. matesZ qowj 

    Oscar Isaac is a pleasure to watch, along with Ethan Hawke,…

  • The Legend of Boggy Creek

    The Legend of Boggy Creek

    ★★★

    The Legend of Boggy Creek is almost less of a Bigfoot movie and more of a historical slice of a specific time and location in the rural United States.

    It was a time when shots were never in focus, creeks were cricks, and when you were 13 you’d ride your fishin’ boat past the old bottle tree to give a toothless old man some tobacco and listen to him spin a yarn about some big hog he saw.

    Aside from the “horror” squatch stuff, it almost has a retro Disney vibe, complete with hokey songs and wishy-washy narration. The poster is incredible though.

  • Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

    ★★★★

    Dumb and messy and corny! :) but in a fun way, for me at least

    Idk about you guys, but for me it was absolutely impossible to tell what this was gonna be like based on the preview reactions. They’re always way too positive or say stuff like “it’s a lot” which tells you nothing. So here’s a few little true/false things for you, from my perspective:

    “It’s a real Raimi movie!” Mostly true
    “Elizabeth Olsen is good” Somewhat true
    “They didn’t…

  • Return of the Jedi

    Return of the Jedi

    ★★★★

    George Lucas is addicted to updating Star Wars the same way a Utah soccer mom is addicted to plastic surgery… the theatrical version apparently didn’t have enough fartin’ and poopin’, so he got to work.

    And this is why we love him.

    Star Wars always has been a light adventure serial for kids, and kid me loved Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace especially. As a child I loved them, as a teenager I made fun of them, but…

  • Doctor Strange

    Doctor Strange

    ★★★½

    One of the strongest first acts in the MCU, but the amazing Mads Mikkelsen is wasted on one of the most forgettable/boring villains ever (Malekith type beat). All is forgiven, though, because Tilda Swinton is way more likable than I remembered. She’s so good. 

    I’m begging the universe that Dr. Strange 2 be at least like, 10% weirder. On paper Raimi is a huge upgrade.

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    ★★★★★

    An open letter to the group of “ironic” white supremacist bullethead morons who went to see The Northman thinking it was going to be Assassin’s Creed Valhalla the Movie:

    Nobody wants to hear your witless commentary over the preview for Doctor Strange. You know who Sam Raimi is? Congratulations, you’re a genius. Nor does anyone want to hear you exclaim “bro what the f*ck?!?” when the movie ends… although I guess it did confirm that you’ve never had a single original…

  • Runaway

    Runaway

    ★★

    Beautiful Moses Lake, Washington.

    My wife’s hometown is a cute little Flying J rest stop of a city; as a major exporter of potatoes and methanphetamine, I’ve come to appreciate all its little eccentricities. Everyone in the town will tell you that Moses Lake is actually named after a Native American Chief, and was made almost-famous by its 1996 Natural Born Killers-inspired Frontier Middle School shooting…

    And a brief appearance in Runaway starring Tom Selleck 😎😎😎

    I’m sad to report that what…

  • Sonic the Hedgehog 2

    Sonic the Hedgehog 2

    ★½

    Sonic fans (gaming’s K-pop stans) have been so starved for content that somehow they’ve collectively decided that both of these movies are good. 

    But bro, this is no different than the Smurfs or any other movie where a cgi character farts, dances, and gets into shenanigans with a real-life dog. That’s my barometer… I didn’t see Pikachu getting into dog shenanigans in Detective Pikachu is all I’m saying.

    Are people going to start pretending that the new Tom & Jerry and Clifford the Big Red Dog were…

  • Everything Everywhere All at Once

    Everything Everywhere All at Once

    ★★★★½

    The Oscars sure picked a bad time to stop presenting the award for Best Editing.

    Some of the gags really didn’t do it for me, but don’t let that fool you; it’s probable that none of us will ever make anything this good in our lives, and that’s okay.


    Edit: the husband is Short Round!?!?!??!????!?? How did I not notice that? He’s so good