Fast Five

Fast Five ½

At this time I would like to apologize to every car-related movie I have ever trashed. Crash... Drive... Gran Torino... Herbie Goes Bananas. I hated all of you but you didn't make me want to jump off my balcony and end it all.

Every bad character introduction, every stilted wisecrack, every pan over the Christ statue, every note of 1998 era generic electronic/rock fusion soundtrack, every unnecessary camera swoop around characters hunched over brooding, staring at each other awaiting a nod signaling mutual respect, is another knife into my spine making me pray for sweet death. The dialogue may as well be the noise of the Charlie Brown teachers, it serves as much purpose. Bwa bwa bwa bwa cars. Bwa bwa let's go bwa bwa bwa. It's all just visual noise, car porn, and any scene that could be potentially good is ruined by something else.

Recommended for fans of tight t-shirts and sweat.