Tenet ★★

Christopher Nolan is like that one ex you have. You know the one. They were one of your first loves. Maybe they taught you how to love in the first place. And in the grand scheme of things, they still mean a lot to you. But as you get older, nature takes its toll, you grow apart. Tastes mature, priorities adapt. You grow fonder of the art freak, take an extra fancy to the exotic foreign type. And yet everywhere you go, you still see that one ex. It’s lIke, they’ve bought a new smart car, all electric and physics-defying and seemingly set to sprout wings at any sec. The pictures are plastered all over your newsfeed. They’ve invested in a fancy-schmancy new tech start-up that promises to re-invent the way you experience the act of sleep. The adverts are all over town. Oh look, they’ve just got engaged to a bionic superhuman with a time machine who speaks three languages including one only known to the cavepeople of NarïHarï. The news breaks out directly into your airwaves, naturally. Tenet then, is the mid-life crisis. They’ve become so obsessed with constantly one-upping themselves and shoving these ‘achievements’ straight in your pathetic little face that you start to regret ever falling for them in the first place. And it tears you up a little inside, to see this person you once would’ve risked it all for, lose sight of what was so beautiful about themselves in the first place. I’m being melodramatic, if you hadn’t noticed. Anyway, Tenet turned my brain to mush and rendered me incapable of writing any coherent (or at least, sane) thoughts. So enjoy this little collection/word vomit of my scattershot thoughts from directly leaving the theatre:

• Damn you Nolan with your theatre-driven spectacle & grandeur but DVD-subtitles ready sound... 

• From a ‘visionary’ capable of delivering such cinematic elegance and technical awe- way, WAY too much is spent on characters (sorry... protagonists) walking along all-slow like spouting nonsensical psychobabble. Cinema, am I right?!

• Hey, here’s some of the sexiest people on God’s green Earth. Let’s give them the driest dialogue on the planet to balance it out! Why not???

• JDW’s protag = surprisingly relatable given his look of bewilderment throughout. Same, man. Same
•R Patz kills it in his audition to be the next bad Bond villain 
•Kenneth Brannaghs performance is easily his worst contribution to cinema this year 
•Sir Michael Caine plays Sir Michael C… he plays himself
•and Elizabeth Debicki.. ooh poor, tall Elizabeth Debicki...

•I feel bad for Nolan’s wife; Other than his obvious kink for self-felation he quite clearly has the understanding of how a female works of like, a fourth-grader...

•SNL sketch vibes?! Is Daddy Nolan playing some sort of sick joke on me? 

So... yeah. This broke me. Dad loved it though. Maybe you're best just listening to him instead. Not. For. Me. Blech.

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