Knives Out ★★

Whoduunit?

Who cares.

A glorified Scooby-Doo episode but instead of a crime-solving Great Dane and a perpetually stoned hippie you get James Bond doing a dumb accent and filmmaker who's convinced he's funny. He's not. I was hoping the "CSI:KFC" joke from the trailers was an outlier but I should've taken it as a warning. For the record, the funniest thing Rian Johnson ever wrote was Luke Skywalker sucking down space-titty milk. And that was almost certainly unintentional.

"They don't make them like that anymore" seems to be rallying cry for this cinematic trifle and the primary reason it's garnering rave reviews. But more baffling than the critics falling all over themselves to praise how fresh it is (it's not) is the near universal praise for the humor. Chris Evans, who has the range of a Stephen Hawking javelin toss, seems to be delighting critics and audiences alike with his acid-tongued bad boy. I get it - he's nice on Twitter, plays Captain of America, and has the face of a guy who can get statutory rape charges dismissed within 48 hours - but that doesn't mean he's doing anything unique here. In fact, I found the entire cast with the exception of Ana De Armas to be pretty unmemorable, and that includes Michael Shannon. It's scientifically impossible for that guy not to make an impression on screen but they cracked the code. Oh wait, he did use a cane so that was fucking wild.

Anyway, come for the twists, turns and obvious audience pandering from Rian Johnson. But stay for a character “quirk” so hacky and contrived I audibly groaned out loud when they revealed it, and nearly swallowed my tongue when they continued to drive the plot with it.

GOTCHA!!!!! Just kidding, I really liked Knives Out!

(*pukes all over the place*)

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