C.S. Walsky’s review published on Letterboxd:
Hey gang! It's your old pal C.S. Walsky back from suspension with some exciting news. You may remember me mentioning my friend who works for Hollywood in some past reviews (he's the dude who got me a copy of Zack Snyder's original R-Rated Justice League script). Well, he sent me something TOP SECRET recently and I'm dying to share a little bit with you guys. Now, I'm not sure how I feel about the project considering it's a remake of a classic film but there's no denying it's a fresh take. So without further ado here is a little taste of Uber Driver written by Dan Hernandez & Benji Samit (Detective Pikachu).
Dan Hernandez & Benji Samit
Copyright © 2019,
The Disney Corporation,
Los Angeles, CA;
Italo-Judeo Productions, US
"God's Lonely Boy"
MITCHELL BRONK, age 28, portly, unshaven, his 80’s style retro glasses teeter on the tip of his greasy nose, bulging white heads decorate his blotchy face and blackheads are dug into his nose like a thousand garden moles. His unwashed head of hair, long overdue for a cut, sticks to his sweaty head like old wallpaper. Years of neglect have left his teeth with a greenish hue, and tufts of hair peek out from his nose and ears. His size 44 cargo shorts display a variety of stains which gives the garment a Jackson Pollak vibe, and his XXL “I am Groot” T-Shirt is a size too small, and it curls up at the bottom hem which exposes his shockingly white and impossibly hairy stomach. The Under Armor slide sandals have seen better days and the dirty, black calf-length athletic socks seem to be giving off the offensive odor of sour milk. He has the size, walk, and appearance of an adult but something behind his eyes reveals a childlike skittishness. And if you look even deeper you may also find an untapped anger, bubbling just below the surface like a river of molten lava. His eyes aren’t dead, but I you wouldn’t say they’re alive either. There is only one certainty about him – his closest relationships are with the comic book heroes of his youth who’ve made their way to the silver screen as larger than life Gods. Seeing his “friends” come to life has not only ignited an emotional fire Mitchell hasn’t experienced before – part raw happiness, part repressed sexuality, part soothing comfort, and part inclusion – which led to a sort of “blossoming” for the young man. But with that untapped excitement came a psychotic loyalty and scornful wrath that he would unleash on anyone who dared to disagree with his feelings about cinematic superheroes and the onscreen worlds he’d fallen in love with. His many outbursts had until recently been limited to online exchanges, but were now beginning to become real life aggressions. If Mitchell was a teapot he was coming to a boil, and someone was about to get burned.
Mitchell has been drifting aimlessly for some time. He was recently told by his parents he needed a job by the end of the month or he’d be forced to leave their home. His parents made this threat before and each time they would relent after an “out of control” Mitchell would explode. But this time was different, they seemed dug in, and he knew it. So, Mitchell woke up at 10am sharp to be at his job interview by 10:30am. Although getting a job was the last thing Mitchell wanted to do – he had been saying for years he planned to be a video game designer and that was nowhere near a reality – the interview was at his favorite hangout in the city, Gamestop. He had been going to the store for years, and had even cultivated some relationships with the staff, so he was hopeful about the hire. Never an optimistic soul, Mitchell couldn’t help but feel good as he walked to his Gamestop interview. Little did he know he would never feel “good” again.
FILM OPENS on EXT. of GameStop located at the Valley View Mall in La Crosse, WI. A JC Penny sign missing one of the “n’s” hangs over the mall entrance. No more than 40 cars are spaced throughout the parking lot, desolation and emptiness reign, and despite the blinding sunshine the building looks drab and gray, like a dying elephant closing its eyes for the last time.
INSIDE MALL the sounds of ‘Maneater’ by Hall and Oates fills the air, louder than normal because of the vast emptiness and relative silence due to lack of customers. The occasional intercom page and teenage shout can be heard, but generally the place seems like a tomb of unwanted commerce.
INT. GAMESTOP ENTRANCE Carl Johnsgaard, Gamestop assistant manager and the man who'll be holding the interview, sits behind the counter eating a McGriddle and finishing off a liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red. Carl, 37, rail thin, long black hair that looks like fishing wire, a patchy, creepy mustache which earned him the nickname “Dateline”, and a Charizard wrist band with a secret pocket that stores his medication.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Mitchell, so glad you could make it. I figured you'd be a half hour late so I consider 15 minutes a win. Oh, thanks for dressing up. Christ man, did you sleep in those?
MITCHELL BRONK: Bro, seriously? I'm here aren't I? Plus I was setting up my Twitch channel for that Overwatch tournament I'm hosting until 3AM.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Calm down, calm down. Just busting you're balls. You can't be this sensitive with the customers man. These geeks will eat you alive.
MITCHELL BRONK: Fuck the customers.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Mitch, Jesus, man. What the hell is wrong with you? Ya know, I'd like to give you a job but it's shit like this that worries me. Or , remember when I only gave you $15 for your Black Ops trade-in and you threw your goddamn Sunkist at me!
MITCHELL BRONK: I was just kidding. But I should’ve recorded your reaction just now ‘cause I would've wracked up Tik Tok views. Overreact much?
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Ha, good one. Maybe you should record yourself when you find out you're not hired, asshole. And Tik Tok dude? Really?
MITCHELL BRONK: Some of the funniest people in the world are on Tik Tok.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: What? you can't be serious. I mean just because you're funnier than Bo Burnham doesn't mean your funny, my dude.
MITCHELL BRONK: (visibly angry, hands trembling) What did you say? Take that back. TAKE IT BACK!!
CARL JOHNSGAARD: (takes a half step back, raises his hands up, and motions for Mitchell to calm down) Whoa. Umm. Ok, then. Hey, let's just get to the interview, ok?
MITCHELL BRONK: Fine.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: So, Mitch, why do you want to work at Gamestop?
MITCHELL BRONK: I like video games.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Well, yeah. Who doesn't. Anything else?
MITCHELL BRONK: It's close to my house.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Geez, Mitch. You're not blowing my skirt up with these answers, buddy.
MITCHELL BRONK: (Dead eyed, monotone, simmering resentment) Well, what exactly do you want to hear?
CARL JOHNSGAARD: How about a *little* enthusiasm? I mean, your resume doesn't scream "go-getter" as it is.
MITCHELL BRONK: Oh, really?
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Yeah, really.
MITCHELL BRONK: (a smirk breaks across his face for a brief second, then an icy calm) Well, at least my girlfriend didn't fuck the guy from the Sunglasses Hut.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: What did you say to ME you fat little shit? Get the fuck out of my goddamn store before I drag you out!
MITCHELL BRONK: Carl, I'm just messing with you, man. I thought we were "busting balls", like you said.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: I told you to get the fuck out of here NOW! And I'm cancelling all of your pre-orders! Oh, and by the way you’ve never even *had* a fucking girlfriend!
MITCHELL BRONK: You may regret this one day, Carl.
CARL JOHNSGAARD: Fuck you! I'd regret it even more if I hired your, lazy entitled FAT ass. Christ, I only gave you the interview because Derek begged me too. Big mistake. Now GO!
MITCHELL BRONK: (seething, biting down on his lip as sweats pours from his head and onto the countertop) Fair enough. See you around, Carl.
INT. GAMESTOP ENTRANCE Mitchell exits the shop in a psychotic daze, eyes wild and on fire marching directly to the food court. Just then he sees his "friend" Derek, an employee at Gamestop walking towards him.
DEREK LOPEZ: (smiling, pointing his fingers like pistols) Duuuuude. Are we going to be co-workers or what? How did it go?
MITCHELL BRONK: It went good. But I told Carl it wasn't for me and I needed a job with more independence and individuality. And, as you know, Carl is an asshole.
DEREK LOPEZ: Man, Carl's ok. Shit, he gave you an interview and you've been fired from everyplace in town. Where the hell are you going to find a job that's gives you "independence" and "Individuality" Let me guess, you're going to be an Uber driver or some shit like that.
MITCHELL BRONK: (eyes widening, a devilish grin starts to spread across his chapped lips, and he tilts his head slowly towards his friend; this is his "eureka" moment) Yes. Yes, I am. I'm going to be an Uber driver.
CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS