Minari ★★★★½

last entry here.

steven yeun: *chooses farm over family*
my dad: “he probably has a stellium in scorpio......... or virgo............. definitely has earth placements”

i didn’t rewatch minari. and i will nvr watch minari again. 

the last time i watched minari was nearly two months ago. w my father. it ended up being the last film we watched together since he died a few wks later (april 29 2021). exactly one (1) month ago. i haven’t been able to watch any films since his passing since i just cannot find the strength to stomach anything right now. 

i rly wanted to watch minari w my dad bc of how much it reminded me of my own childhood and upbringing, and how much jacob and monica’s relationship reminded me of the relationship of my own parents. however, after we finished the film, when i asked my dad what it reminded him of, he began to recall his own childhood and his relationship w his own grandma. he closely identified w the way david’s grandma cared for him and his heart murmur the way that my dad’s grandma cared for him and his asthma, despite the fact that he used to be just as pesky/kulit as david when he was a little boy too. 

i was a bit astounded w this answer since i didn’t expect him to compare the film w his own childhood, and hearing him recall his childhood tugged on my heartstrings since i rarely ever think abt the fact that my dad was a child once. 

we watched the film using my film independent screener. my dad was so impressed that i had access to it as well as a bunch of other films. for some reasons that i’ve already forgotten, we couldn’t watch on the computer monitor upstairs in his bedroom, so we ended up watching the film on his ipad mini. (i was a bit annoyed since i wanted to watch the film on his bigass imac downstairs, which he just watched ammonite on hours earlier, but he was too tired to go back downstairs). it took several minutes to get the film to load and start playing. while my dad was meticulously working on setting things up, i patiently sat by him, thinking abt how excited i was that he wld finally watch the film and how he wld react. thruout the film i kept looking towards him and trying to determine how he felt at certain moments, but he was so focused, i couldn’t really tell. 

when he said the above^^ quote, i was ecstatic. one of my favorite things ab my dad that i luv bragging to ppl abt is how he studied astrology for 40+ yrs. when he said that steven yeun was a scorpio stellium and/or had earth placements, i asked why. i forgot what he said ab the scorpio stelium but he said that he’s probably has a lot of virgo placements bc of how close he is to the earth, esp witnessed in his dominant passion for farming that precedes his concern for his family. 

i always loved the way my dad thinks. so thoughtful and analytical. and he always said what you wanted and/or needed to hear. i knew that he made this comment bc i wld be obsessed w it. and i still am. 

after we finished the film, he told me that he really liked it before proceeding to talk for a bit abt his childhood and my FI screeners. then, we bid each other good night and i went to bed.it was a regular, quiet evening— nothing extraordinary. but i yearn for it back. 


i wld not be the cinephile i am without my dad. my dad literally taught me everything i know and put me on everything i love and value today. every weekend/summer of my childhood was spent learning a new hobby/skill/craft, obsessing over a new film/show/musician, being introduced to a new world of lore, etc. he brought us to movie theaters and libraries and bookstores and music stores every other day. he disciplined us by making us catalog his blu-ray and comic book collections. he told us stories and trivia abt virtually every geeky piece of media whether it be comic book or scifi films. the reason i became so obsessed w the film industry and pop culture to begin w is bc he randomly gave me an entertainment weekly when i was 12 yrs old so that i wld read more (lol).

all my thoughts r scrambled as i write this while trying not to cry but basically, my dad is literally the reason i am who i am today, no exaggeration. while i’m merely highlighting the media-related aspects of his fatherhood for this letterboxd entry, he was genuinely just the best father i cld ever ask for in general. 

when i dove into my deep depressive episode in 2020 where i was rendered unable to get out of bed for 3 months, he was the most concerned and worried for me. now that i have access to my camera roll, i can see that he kept track of my letterboxd and often read/screenshotted my entries on here from a secret account. (his top 4 in his secret account is his fav film, my fav film, my sister’s fav film, and my mom’s fav film 🥺). i remember that he was so worried abt me that he texted me film prompts to answer. i nvr did them but now i wish i did. he consistently bought me VOD films, criterion blu-rays, streaming subscriptions, and podcast equipment bc he rly wanted to see me rise out of my depression and do something productive. he took me to the drive-in all summer so that i’d get out of the house, despite the fact that it was hard for him to drive at night. he still insisted on doing it for me. even worse, i occasionally gave him the silent treatment during our drive thru outings bc i was depressed and angsty, but during the silence i was internally suffering bc i rly wanted to gather the strength to talk to my dad like everything was fine, but i cldn’t. i always thought that there wld be a next time. but i guess there isn’t. 

i finally started to get out of my depressive episode in the fall. when my mom went to the philippines, i stayed w my dad’s family for 2 months. i’m trying not to regret things, but it’s hard not to feel immense regret when i know i could’ve spent those 2 months alone w my dad but didn’t. but it’s ok bc he and i both knew it was best for me. and we were still able to bond a considerable amount. a notable moment was on the drive home after dropping off my mom at the airport when he quietly put on a compilation of james bond themes bc he knew how much i was obsessing over it last year. we spent the entirety of the ride ranking the songs and talking abt his experiences seeing the films in theaters when they came out. his favorite film was on her majesty’s secret service bc he values the memory of watching it in theaters when he was 12 w his entire family when it came out. so many of my dad’s favorite memories, films, shows, and songs are determined based on the familial memories they’re linked to. he loved his (immediate) family more than everyone else on the planet. 

i don’t even know where i’m going w this anymore. i’m just spewing out random memories of my dad at this point. but i just wanted to add that his last christmas gift to me was a blu-ray player, dslr camera, and a literal film studio complete w lights and green screens. his gifts for my sister and my mom didn’t even come close, he only splurged on me. he really loved me so much, but he was also so concerned and wanted badly for me to start doing something w my life. he supported me so much and wanted nothing more for me than to succeed and prosper. i’m devastated that he’ll nvr get to witness it happen. 

this entry is a shit-show im sry for rambling all over the place. there’s just too much to say and there will nvr be enough words/space to say it. i just love my dad. so much. and i can’t believe he’s fucking gone. 

4 days before he died, mt dad watched the oscars. he saw all my tweets abt chloe zhao and looked up her birth chart. it was one of the last burth charts he looked up. on the night before he died, i rly wanted to call my dad and ask for a birth chart reading, but decided i wld call the nxt day since i didn’t wna call too late and stress him out. worst decision of my fucking life. i wish i cld’ve called so that i cld’ve heard him read my chart once more, and tell me which aspects of mine are similar to chloe zhao since i know he’d use it to give me the assurance that i cld achieve what she’s achieved. 

speaking of chloe zhao, i’m so fucking gutted ab the eternals. it feels like my heart’s been stabbed a million times. my dad’s top 2 anticipated films were no time to die and the eternals. he owned almost all of the eternals comics. he was so geeked out and excited over the film bc they were his favorite. when my cousin and i expressed our indifferences to the film, he schooled us on everything there is to know abt them and why we should care. i can’t believe he’s fucking missing it. how am i supposed to know everything that’s going on now. my dad’s also been v upset abt the no time to die postponement, i can’t believe he’s not even going to be able to watch it now. he even Tweeted abt how upset he was and now he’s not even alive to see it. god this fucking sucks. both for him and for me. watch me sob my eyes out during both of these films for no reason LMFAO. dune too!!! he was so excited for that. god. this sucks. i guess there was time to die. he spent some of his last days listening to billie eilish, who he only started stanning bc he loved her theme song so much lmao. it pains me to know that i have to watch all of these things without the presence/feedback of my father. this grief/loss shit rly be painful. 

ok now that this i’ve moved away from sentiment and onto using humor to cope, let me end this for real now. i love and i miss my dad. i can’t believe he’s gone. and i can’t believe i have to live a life without him. i can’t believe that my recent memories w him will fade to distant. i can’t believe i will have to live most of my life without my father. i can’t believe my childhood is over. i can’t believe he’s gone. i can’t believe he’s actually gone. 

i will probably be talking ab my dad in every entry that i cld possibly reference him in. i’m sry ahead of time. i lit rally just cannot not think of him. even tho it brings me so much pain, the fear of losing his memory hurts me even more. 

i love u papa. i hope u can still access ur secret letterboxd from heaven.

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