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  • The Princess and the Frog

    The Princess and the Frog

    There's a princess, and there's a frog. Two frogs, actually, because the princess also is a frog.

  • Man of Steel

    Man of Steel

    The next time I see an early hominid skull, I too will refer to it as a codex.

  • Return of the Jedi

    Return of the Jedi

    Han Solo: Starts film already captured.

    Leia and Chewie: Free Han.

    Han, Chewie, and Leia: Get captured again.

    Luke: Gets captured on purpose, saves Han, Chewie, and Leia with help of R2-D2.

    Later:

    Han, Chewie, and Luke: Get captured.

    Leia: Frees Han, Chewie, and Luke with help of C-3P0.

    Even Later:

    Luke: Gets captured on purpose, this time without any droids; gets rescued by Darth Vader, who is more machine now than man.

  • The Last of the Mohicans

    The Last of the Mohicans

    If you:

    a. Ain't your scout
    b. Sure as hell ain't in any damn militia
    c. Winter in Can-Tuck-Ee

    or

    d. All of the above:

    This is the film for you.

  • Silence

    Silence

    ★★★

    Missionaries are convinced that people who don't know what they know are doomed, and they go out to meet these people and correct this perceived shortcoming. There is a great deal of racism and ethnocentrism baked into this assumption. This ignorant bigotry leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy: The people the missionaries speak to are doomed, but it's really because of the meddling busybodies who show up trying to peddle their alternate belief system, often with a coercive threat of force,…

  • Noah

    Noah

    ★★★★

    I love this poor reviled film, and it's not just because mythical Noah's noxious real-life fans hate it so much. Though, I probably appreciate it as I do for the same reasons that Mr. Ham (no relation) detests it.

    How, the film asks, could the destruction of all life be justified? What kind of person or entity would permit or cause this level of suffering? Noah himself throughout much of the film does not ask these questions, adhering instead to…

  • Dear Mr. Watterson

    Dear Mr. Watterson

    You know those DVD special features where it's just 20 minutes of the cast and crew gushing about how the director is a genius? This is one of those, but sold as a whole movie.

  • Michael Clayton

    Michael Clayton

    ★★

    Tom Wilkinson went nuts, I think? And he was in his underwear in an airport, screaming, perhaps? And maybe it was a crisis of conscience, possibly? Because the company he worked for was corrupt? Or maybe he went nuts because the corrupt company tried to poison him? And George Clooney had to fix it? To protect the corrupt company? But then he had a crisis of conscience of his own? Because he learned the company was corrupt?

    Of all the films I've seen, this is perhaps the one I remember the least.

  • Ralph Breaks the Internet

    Ralph Breaks the Internet

    Disney princesses are real, and live on the internet.

  • Aladdin

    Aladdin

    ★★★

    Aladdin, born on the streets, wishes he was the one living in the palace. He could have wished for a complete redistribution of wealth and power. We coulda had Communist Aladdin. Dream bigger, kids!

  • Toy Story 4

    Toy Story 4

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Woody abandons his servile devotion to kid-ism, but continues to perpetuate it in the lives of other toys.

  • A Bug's Life

    A Bug's Life

    ★★

    An Ant With Ideas