Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Dead Rising came out in 2006, Left 4 Dead in 2008. The Walking Dead TV show premiered in 2010, the Telltale game in 2012. Zombies were a dying fad around 2014, everyone was sick of them, including me, and I LOVED those properties. 7 years later, *insert shitty joke about cold bodies or coming back to life or something* Zack Snyder! What does he have to add? Uh...?

Army of the Dead is a very long movie that limps across the finish line on a few obvious strengths, the foremost being Dave Bautista. Man's a good actor, good action star. His character isn't that interesting, he's a nice dad with wholesome intentions of helping his stupid reckless daughter's pure uwu altruism. You can't help but like this guy, his delivery is never corny, and his fight scenes are the best parts of the film by a mile. Hope to see him in more lead roles like this.

The rest of the characters are misused and annoying. The guy that defines himself by his spinning saw and his masters degree in philosophy manages not to use either of them throughout the whole story. He makes a few literary references, though. A stupid person's idea of a smart character. There are a few characters with quirks and senses of humor at first, but those traits were gone before I could blink, and they were dying boring heroic deaths before I could even remember to forget to care. They like to cuss in their native language whenever anything happens, they do it like 20 times or something, its really obnoxious.

And then there's the white guys. Oh ho ho ho, its bad. There's the dorky effeminate virtue-signaling cuckold, and there are the stupid evil scumbags not worthy of life. None of them are as hateable as the French girl, though. This dumb fuck is one of the worst actresses I've ever seen in a major film, a true F-tier performance, even by the standards of a B-movie. That scene where she's holding the queen zombie's head up was sooooo cringe, just go away. The writing didn't help, but wow.

Snyder is up to no good all over this thing. This runtime is not justified in the slightest bit, dude just has way too much money to work with in relation to his ability, somebody needs to stop him. As usual, the movie is full of licensed songs where the lyrics describe exactly whats going on, its like a toddler chose the track list. Completely misuses and disrespects the classic Zombie by The Cranberries, painful. The overhead shots look beautiful, and the intro is very well edited, but everything that's out of focus during the many close-up shots looks like SHIT. I can't see anything, why is it SO blurry? Can't blame Whedon for this one, guy.

The gore is pretty solid at points, but spread a bit too thin. The dialog is completely forgettable when it's not cringeworthy, the story is ass, the jokes are a joke. The zombie intelligence subplot just rips off I Am Legend and goes absolutely nowhere with it, doesn't even TRY, come on!

Army of the Dead mostly just makes me want to see an actual good zombie film. The good parts were short and far between, there's enough good footage here for maybe one or two music videos, but it's 150 minutes... Skip this one, don't even bother.

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