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  • Mile 22

    Mile 22

    ★★★

    Of course the 95 minute, perfectly paced Mile 22 is criticized for “bad editing” while the swarm of overlong, boring “arthouse” movies that are so technically unsophisticated they could’ve been edited on a mobile version of Windows Movie Maker get praised to high heavens. 

    The whole "all action must be shown in long shot with a camera completely motionless on a tripod" meme is getting old. For some movies that approach works great. But demanding it for every action movie…

  • Braven

    Braven

    ★★

    This is what happens when you live in Canada and have no 2A right... you have to protect your family by lighting people on fire, killing them with arrows and hatchets, tying guys to four-wheelers and driving them off a cliff, and then literally tying a bear trap to a tree and intentionally stepping in it so you can spear a guy half your size off a cliff... Joe Braven, my man, just move a little south of the border,…

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  • Maximum Overdrive

    Maximum Overdrive

    ★★★

    Stephen King’s finest work.

  • The Strangers

    The Strangers

    ★½

    Imagine being so incompetent a horror character that you get wrecked by two unarmed girls in masks and a guy with the physical build of Bernie Sanders. Fuck outta here I’m walking right up to one of those motherfuckers and unmasking them Scooby-Doo style, the fuck they gon do. 

    Imagine making a film this unoriginal, unimaginative, and repetitive, with the least likable characters and the dumbest ending ever. If I made this movie I’d feel bad. I’d release a public apology. How do you make this when there are movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre already in the world? What a waste.

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  • Patterson-Gimlin Film

    Patterson-Gimlin Film

    ★★★★★

    Cryptids, cryptozoology, and urban legends greatly interest me. I don't actually believe most of them, or any of them for that matter, but I still think it's fascinating and I can appreciate a well-executed, imaginative hoax.

    This film is less than one minute long (depending on how many frames you watch it at) and it cost nearly nothing to make (unless, of course, they had to buy an ape costume) and just think of the effect it had on society,…

  • The Shape of Water

    The Shape of Water

    The most sickening, morally reprehensible film I've seen in a long while. An absolute mess. There's a reason the romance in Creature from the Black Lagoon was the subtext.

    R.I.P. Subtlety.