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  • Maximum Overdrive

    Maximum Overdrive

    ★★★

    Stephen King’s finest work.

  • The Strangers

    The Strangers

    ★½

    Imagine being so incompetent a horror character that you get wrecked by two unarmed girls in masks and a guy with the physical build of Bernie Sanders. Fuck outta here I’m walking right up to one of those motherfuckers and unmasking them Scooby-Doo style, the fuck they gon do. 

    Imagine making a film this unoriginal, unimaginative, and repetitive, with the least likable characters and the dumbest ending ever. If I made this movie I’d feel bad. I’d release a public apology. How do you make this when there are movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre already in the world? What a waste.

  • Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling

    Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling

    can’t wait for the follow-up in another 20 years where Ralph kills himself

  • Ms .45

    Ms .45

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The dangerous path of letting your victimhood define and overwhelm your life. Thana's hatred spreads like wildfire from at first only her rapist and then to all scumbag men to all men in general and even to all living things in general (almost).

    Ms .45's main character is a shockingly relevant metaphor for today's brand of so-called "social justice." Thana goes out in search of offense, begging to be slighted by a man just to fuel her own sense of…

  • Mile 22

    Mile 22

    ★★★

    Of course the 95 minute, perfectly paced Mile 22 is criticized for “bad editing” while the swarm of overlong, boring “arthouse” movies that are so technically unsophisticated they could’ve been edited on a mobile version of Windows Movie Maker get praised to high heavens. 

    The whole "all action must be shown in long shot with a camera completely motionless on a tripod" meme is getting old. For some movies that approach works great. But demanding it for every action movie…

  • The Road Movie

    The Road Movie

    ★★★½

    Just realized I like YouTube more than cinema.

  • Braven

    Braven

    ★★

    This is what happens when you live in Canada and have no 2A right... you have to protect your family by lighting people on fire, killing them with arrows and hatchets, tying guys to four-wheelers and driving them off a cliff, and then literally tying a bear trap to a tree and intentionally stepping in it so you can spear a guy half your size off a cliff... Joe Braven, my man, just move a little south of the border,…

  • What Still Remains

    What Still Remains

    ★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    moral of the story: don’t disarm the citizens of your village, especially when in a post-apocalyptic war with a rival tribe

  • Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

    Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

    “You’re not in control.”

    If this was released on Steam instead of Netflix it wouldn’t have half the acclaim it has. 

    It’s like watching a movie that you just want to end but it keeps rewinding itself and forcing you to rewatch scenes. Ironically one of the least engaging films ever.

  • The Skin of the Wolf

    The Skin of the Wolf

    ★★★

    Very good sequel to The Revenant / Jeremiah Johnson remake / the movie Hold the Dark should’ve been

  • Overlord

    Overlord

    ★★★

    Fun movie that wants to act like it's a throwback to something further back than its arm can throw. The nazi zombie premise is dated at best, not retro. Still, it's dumb fun and better done than you'd expect. Some great action scenes, suspenseful moments, and the horror element wasn't overdone to gimmicky proportions. Main character was annoying.

  • Roma

    Roma

    ★★½

    The peak of cliched Mexican miserablist cinema. For whatever that's worth. Whereas Iñárritu's over-the-top miserablism distances the viewer through its absurdity, Roma starts (and stays) at a distance, which actually works in favor of its dumb-witted protagonist who, though unlikable, actually stirs sympathies only because her severe lack of detail forces the viewer to fill in the blanks themselves. Roma's coldness breeds emotion by presenting horrific topics with indifferent matter-of-factness, in effect amplifying its impact. Not to say this isn't…