Tenet ½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Christopher Nolan should get Me Too'd out of Hollywood and into oblivion for this shameless, masturbatory clusterfuck. I walked out of the cinema feeling somewhat used and abused. My party of friends were similarly traumatised. Kianureeves, who was in company, actually feel asleep, and Nolan's treatment towards MachiBachi's French girlfriend definitely had racial undertones. G3, nicknamed "Alex" on Letterboxd, had a colossal time out on the town the previous night, but I'm not sure what scarred him worse across the weekend. RapNergin was so distressed by the movie that a migraine ensued. My own girlfriend (nickname of Nao on Letterboxd because she has a brain the size of a truck like Neo from The Matrix) was visibly confused. Like the rest of us plebs, Nao struggled to keep up with the movie, but she also raised some very good (and scathing!) points that are included in the rest of this review.

Tenet is best summed up as "look at time travel! It makes edits look cool! Let's figure out a storyline along the way!" I also think Nolan must've heard about the grandfather effect yesterday because his boring repetition of it reminds me of when I used to talk about NBA after having watched it for only two weeks.

Nolan's obsession with time and delusion that his audience shares a modicum of it reminds me a lot of when I talk to my Nao about Orcas and AFL Fantasy. Fortunately the movie was saved from being a complete write-off by the great acting of Robert Pattinson (very hot), John David Washington (even hotter) and Elizabeth Debicki (giant).

Beyond my visceral hatred of the film, I do have several specific issues and have outlined them below.

1) Nolan clearly had no inspiration for a plot and instead wanted to wank himself off through the time travel nonsense. That's why he coerced some bland, unappealing end of the world storyline into the movie. I could've done a much better job myself.

Seriously, the villain is some rich Russian (typical & boring Nolan) billionaire and his motivation for using the algorithm is to destroy the world? Nice one Nolan. Way to go.

A storyline around accumulating more power through the obvious benefits stemming from inverting time would have been much funner. Heck, even just use Back to the Future's plot. Perhaps even better, make it similar to EndGame, where the villain is doing something terrible, but actually thinks that he is doing the right thing by the universe. The movie actually alluded to the future world being destroyed by climate change. Tenet could've had a storyline where Mr. Russian goes back in time to address this issue (or a different issue) in a manner that has devastating consequences for the current generation.

2) No emotional aspect to the film. I was never on the edge of my seat. The only attempt at emotion was that Elizabeth Debicki was going to lose her child if everyone in the world died? Nice one Nolan.

Will preface this section with mentioning that there were a lot of issues. These are just two obvious ones.

1) If this powerful billionaire has the intelligence to communicate with the future and invert time, why can't he do something about his pancreatic cancer? He wasn't even that unhealthy during the film. Surely he had more time.

2) Nao codes for a living and actually does a lot of Tony Stark level shit. Hence she was able to provide the following wisdom. Why did the algorithm's creator, who decided that she didn't like the algorithm and wanted to make sure that nobody could use it, split the algorithm into 9 parts and hide them across the world? It would have been much easier and effective to simply do "control A, delete". I might have to start calling Nolan "NoBrain".

COVID-19 should mean that no movie has an issue with editing. If there's any issues, just do what all other businesses do at the moment and delay and blame it on COVID-19. However, the movie, despite its blockbuster budget, was full of mediocre editing. Nolan tried to trick the audience when John David Washington first inverted his own timeline by saying "things are going to sound weird and look weird". No Nolan, your editing was just shit. You can't trick me.

Overall DarthGodzirra was very disappointed. 0.5/5

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