Synecdoche, New York ★★★★★

“the end is built into the beginning”

the most ridiculous thing about living is that childhood is its own eternity and then suddenly you’re an adult. time moves faster and faster and life is sectioned off into sleeping eating working blinking repeating, and deja vu happens more and more. i forget what day of the week it is all the time. i sleep until after 5pm some days just because i can. i can go into a store and buy whatever they’ll let me and whatever i have the money for. nothing means anything but also everything means something. i work so hard and get paid almost nothing. i stare into space between customers and think of being somewhere else. i just had a birthday and i keep forgetting how old i am, and when i remember, i get kind of upset. i also forget that i have a bone disease and all the complications it brings along with it. i even forget sometimes that i’m in a wheelchair. it’s just my reality. it always has been. it all comes flooding in at once sometimes and i feel overwhelming self-pity before i have to shove it all away. being gay and people knowing that about me brings me such stress that i wrote about it here, edited it out, and decided to write it back in. all i do is work and wait around. all i do is want things i can’t have. i often wish i was somewhere else, i wish i was different. i feel trapped, i don’t like it. for just a split second in the scope of time i exist, and then i’ll be gone. am i lucky to be here, or am i cursed? why is living so hard? surely it shouldn’t be this hard, feel this strained. time moves so rapidly now, and it’s only moving faster as i grow older. there is nothing more terrifying than that, i think. more and more i think about all the people in my life i love and never see, never make the time for. it brings me pain. i sit and want and plan and don’t act and time keeps moving. wasted minutes, years. the last decade, vanished, gone forever. i didn’t go to high school, i was homeschooled but didn’t do much. my youth slipped through my fingers. regret is like a weight i carry around with me. i try my best not to let it pull me down. i need to try and live in the moment. i need to change my life, it’s not going to change on its own. i need to stop crying over this movie, it ended over an hour ago. the past few years of my life have been pivotal and joyous in comparison to the decade that preceded them. i have dear friends i spend much of my time with and i often travel alone and experience wonder. i can do whatever i want. i don’t want to settle. i should keep that in mind. i should live while i’m alive. this was a really long paragraph but i don’t care. anyways, have a nice day. this movie is objectively good