Pokémon Detective Pikachu ★★★½

— why come pikachu cussin?????
— this is legitimately a very good mystery film???? conveniences of futuristic pokemon tech aside, it... works
— you know when a movie introduces its leading female character and you get that “aw man...” feeling when you realize that you are not gonna like her
— i do not think i have ever seen a creature cuter than Detective Pikachu. i felt a physical “aw” within me every time that motherfucker was on screen
— all of the hairy Pokémon looked fuckin fantastic. all of the hairless Pokémon were abominations of nature and a strong argument for eugenics in this fantasy universe.
— i think i wouldn’t have been so offput by a lot of this movie if i hadn’t seen that pokemon go commercial with the CG Pokémon, because so much of the movie reminded me of that in the beginning which really hurt its charm
— can we start putting some goddamn respect on Karan Soni’s name? give the man a meatier role!! (although i do respect Ryan Reynolds for seemingly loving him) 
— a lot of the jokes are corny but there are a few that got a genuine smile out of me including a surprising climate change joke that i LOVED
— the end credits are fantastic. the opening credits confused me the same way Ready Player One did, in that someone made a very expensive, visually exciting film and then threw in a title card from Windows Movie Maker
— i am sure ryan reynolds is a lovely man and he clearly commits to every role but god do i wish i liked him more. every character he plays feels like the thinks-they’re-clever kind of marvel studios hero that i can’t stand
— also, the voice feels wrong!! i kept thinking “this should be a woman... right” and just as i’m writing this right now i would’ve loved to see melissa mccarthy or tarzan-era rosie o’donnell do it (i know why it wasn’t a woman, but still)
— i can’t remember the last time my feelings towards a movie changed so often as i watched it. every ten minutes i was like “yeah this rules” or “uh oh this might not be a good movie” or “oh my god the writers are geniuses”
— about four separate times, the third act of the movie legitimately shocked me and made me feel like lucille bluth getting tricked by gene parmesan. i did a big ol “oh my god i cannot believe this very stupid movie was smarter than me” belly laugh
— they gave us trading cards when they ripped our tickets and i turned into an 8 year old going to see the 2000 pokemon movie in theatres again
— why! come! pikachu! cussin?????