This movie rules. Every Edward line is so much better when you pretend he’s just the weird lanky guy at your high school that makes everybody nervous and does Dragon Ball Z charge-up moves when he thinks no one’s watching. Every Bella line has the subtext of “you better let me suck that dick, shiny boy.” The DP showed up day one and said “if I have to use a tripod, I will fucking kill myself.” The credits roll on the most inexplicable possible Radiohead needle drop. It’s a 10/10 for me. I’m having the time of my life. Genuinely believe it’s a universally-enjoyable watch.

The coolest guy in school drives a Volvo. Every girl in school wants to kiss the boy who drives a Volvo. Edward walked into school with his arms around Bella and the group chats got hot. “I can’t believe the new kid got to ride in the Volvo. I’m going to be sick.”