Freddy vs. Jason

Freddy vs. Jason ★★★★

-FREDDY VS JASON is a fucking miracle. Whoever looked at this concept, in development hell for years, as well as the fading popularity of the slasher genre and decided to just push forward with the crossover anyway is crazy. The fact that this finally came out and it's actually fun as hell is even crazier.

-Some gold from the IMDb trivia section: "One unused script featured Jason driving a Subaru." Sure, you snicker, but Michael Myers drove that station wagon and I bet you didn't bat a fucking eye. These guys may be mass murderers but they know affordability, convenience and a rock solid MPG trump the high-priced vanity of the latest sports cars any day.

-The title screen is a bunch of skin getting sliced up before blood spelling "Freddy vs. Jason" sprays across the frame as a wicked nü-metal track blares. You know some bodacious shit is about to happen in this flick whenever nü-metal plays. Like for example there's a big aggro riff that kicks in when Freddy and Jason finally throw down near Camp Crystal Lake at the end. Personally I would have used the song "When Worlds Collide" by Powerman 5000 for the big fight scene. I mean how perfect is that? Would that have owned too hard? I have a lot of ideas, Hollywood.

-Did you know the lead singer of Powerman 5000 is Rob Zombie's brother?

-The premise of the film is so simple that it should make the 500+ writers who worked on this movie in the 90's slap themselves in the dick. The parents of the Elm St.-verse have buried the legacy of Freddy & hidden it from their children, rendering him powerless, so he in turn resurrects Jason and sends him on a killing spree to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers yet again. It's clear that writers Damian Shannon & Mark Swift, who also penned the FRIDAY remake, have a real reverence for the mythology of both franchises. Their script here strikes a perfect balance of ultra-violence & tongue-in-cheek humor, while providing us with (mostly) smart, capable protagonists to root for.

-There's actually a badass final girl with a character arc in this movie! It's Lori, played by Monica Keena from the great UNDECLARED. It turns out Freddy killed her mom so she's understandably pretty pissed off about that. She gets to growl & run around blowing shit up at the end which is cool. Really though, Fox fucked up royally when they canceled Undeclared. That show was soooo good, you guys. Look at that cast!

-This flick actually has a solid bench of supporting players. There's Chris Marquette (FANBOYS) in a likable turn as the nerd with an unrequited crush on Lori, as well as Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, who is a terrible actress but I can't bring myself to hate considering she helped bring the world "Bootylicious". My favorite is the hot chick in the P.J. Soles hat who spends almost all of her screen time pounding beer. I looked her up, she was in GINGER SNAPS (which I haven't seen) and played Margot Verger on HANNIBAL (which is phenomenal). She is my new wife.

-I could tell without even googling it that the special effects company who did the make-up here also worked on FINAL DESTINATION 2. Just look at all those awesome wounds that spray like slashed arteries no matter where they are on the body. That shit makes me giddy. WCT Productions, by the way.

-Who the fuck has a rave in the middle of a cornfield? Can't believe raves are still a thing. Nothing beats that rave in MATRIX RELOADED where everybody starts banging. PLUR, y'all.

-I dig some of the imagery in Jason's psyche. Most of the Freddy shit is lame considering he's just hanging out in some wack boiler room but that crazy floating cabin where Jason drags dead bodies is pretty cool. Also pretty sweet when Freddy jumps out of Crystal Lake in slo-mo as that red color gradient takes over the screen. Ronny Yu's directorial style is the most kinetic & visually striking the Friday series has ever seen, but I could see it being divisive in its hyperactivity.

-I don't know what the fuck that stoner was smoking if he thought a huge slimy hell centipede with the face of Freddy Krueger was cool or normal. Dude, you need to have a chat with your dealer.

-Ken Kirzinger replaced Kane Hodder as Jason and I honestly think I prefer him in the role. He's bigger, slower, and has less..."personality". It's always funny when he registers zero reaction to shit like being lit on fire. Kinda like deadpan physical comedy, if that's a thing. The guy's a regular Buster Keaton, is what I'm saying.

-Best kill: There's some juicy ones here but I think the obvious choice is Jason furiously stabbing some cocksucker in the back with a machete and then folding up the bed he's lying in and snapping him in half. I've also gotta stump for the stoner getting cut in half. Getting cut in half always rules. Just ask Darth Maul. Rot in hell, stoner scum.

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