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  • Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    ½

    "What a nasty woman."

    ABSOLUTELY SAVAGE: JURASSIC WORLD JUST BURNED THE CHEETO-IN-CHIEF IN THE HARSHEST WAY POSSIBLE AND TWITTER'S RESPONSE WAS PERFECT!!!

    Suck it, Drumph! First it was your tiny hands, then it was your stupid hair, and now it's this-- Jurassic World has immortalized your WORST moment in film history for all of eternity! How will Drumpfh ever recover?!?!

    Some say that art is supposed to be timeless, and that pop culture references date films horribly-- but who cares?…

  • The Way Back

    The Way Back

    ★★★½

    I thought this was gonna be about the zany misadventures of some kids at a water park.

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  • Beauty and the Beast

    Beauty and the Beast

    ★½

    Tale as old as time
    Told twelve times before
    Now we're strapped for cash
    Time for a rehash
    Remake it once more

    Always just the same
    Never a surprise
    Always as before
    And ever just as sure
    As the sun will rise

    Just a little change
    Small to say the least
    So that they can say
    It had to be remade
    Beauty and the Beast

  • 12 Angry Men

    12 Angry Men

    12 Angry Men?

    MORE LIKE 12 ANGRY CISGENDER, HETEROSEXUAL, STRAIGHT WHITE GENDER-CONFORMING MEN IN A POSITION OF POWER OVER A YOUNG PERSON OF COLOR!!!

    Way to encourage the white male power doctrine, Sidney Lumet, you fucking Nazi! EVERY character in this film is a white male-- it looks less like a jury and more like TRUMP'S CABINET!

    To rectify the historical injustice we have perpetrated by placing this KKK recruitment film on so many "Best Films of All Time" lists,…