Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad ½

I'm convinced the screenwriters wrote this while jacking off to a giant cut out of Margot Robbie and crammed in the rest of the characters the studio wanted with the thinnest possible storyline so that Harley could get all the screentime.

What does it say about this film when the three minute trailer was utterly more entertaining and had a better story than the actual movie? Man I'm so disappointed. I'm really, really let down. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge DC fan, and seeing them lose out to Marvel's basic ass, formulaic as hell, quip-ridden popcorn flicks sucks balls. It makes me want to eat sandpaper. And let's not get started on how DC basically dug its own grave by handing over the reins to every DCU flick to Zach gloom-equals-plot Snyder. Jesus. So when the trailer for suicide squad came out, boasting a stellar cast, not directed by Snyder, and basically looking like a fuckton of fun, I was excited. I was hella excited. Sue me. I basically creamed my panties and watched reruns of the trailer like it was visual crack.

What a fucking letdown.

Let's start at the basics. Does David Ayer know that slow motion doesn't make everything look cool? If Suicide Squad cut out all its slow mo scenes I swear it could qualify as a short film. But I understand why he did it - throughout its 2hr runtime the fight scenes were kept to a minimum, and when they were shot, sloppy editing and strange disjointed camera work was used to cover up the fact that the choreography was plain bullshit. Really. An untrained kindergartner could fight better than what was shown. Maybe the budget was so consumed by marketing that they forgot to hire a choreographer and they just improvised. Add that to the mystery of how this shit fest got released.

Let's move on to the other problem. The writers seem to know jackshit about their characters, save for Harley Quinn. A montage of segmented origin stories does not excuse 1) the limited screen time given to everyone other than Harley or 2) the lack of chemistry, interaction, or plain motivation of any kind from any of the characters.

To be honest. I really can't fault the actors here. These are A list actors and actresses. These people have won awards. And I can legitimately see them trying. You can tell they are dedicated to have put up with this shit. They tried their utter best, but to be really honest, not even a virgin sacrifice could have saved this fuckfest of a film.

Oh my god let's talk about the CGI. LETS TALK ABOUT CARA DELEVIGNE WAVING HER ARMS AROUND LIKE SOME POKEMON NOODLE WHILE WAVES OF BLUE LIGHT RADIATE AROUND HER. LETS TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THAT SCENE WAS. Where did suicide squads budget go? REALLY? That's the main question here because my fucking Pokemon game seems to be more realistic than that.

I have too many things to rant about here. This review could go on for ages if I wanted. But I can't deny Suicide Squad was a fucking Experience. I have never sat through a film so torn by wanting to leave cus it was awful and wanting to stay because I wanted to FEEL THE TRAGEDY AND LAUGH AT IT. It is flabbergasting how insatiably CORNY and RIDICULOUS the whole film was,,,, not to mention how everything was made about a thousand times more laughable because whoever made this shit actually took his or her job fucking seriously and sat down and thought. . Wow.. this is deep. I'm so fucking amazed that David Ayer thought this was Meaningful Shit. Suicide Squad was like one big infomercial,, dramatic and exaggerated to the max, but everyone behind the lens seems to think it's Serious Stuff.

This shit was worse than The Room. I'm not even kidding. Honestly, I urge everyone who hasn't seen it yet to go see it. Really. Because it is MONUMENTAL how badly they fucked up. Like this is miracle level shit. This gun be the eighth wonder or some crap. Really. A movie this bad only comes once in a lifetime.

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