The way Hasselhoff's chesthair bobs and weaves in slow motion while he runs around like a fierce gazelle, protecting our beaches is not something that should be treated with disdain.

In which Tom Cruise defeats Seth the God of death (in this film that is, he's actually the God of chaos and storms but that doesn't sound cool) in two seconds solely on the basis that he's a 'good guy', after which he gets to kick the crap out of some CGI toilet paper.

$246,984,278 worldwide.

Our species does not deserve to live.