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  • Sausage Party

    Sausage Party

    The sausage either has two endings or two beginnings.

    In this sausage's case I wish it had neither.

  • Alice Through the Looking Glass

    Alice Through the Looking Glass

    Swimming upstream against a current generated by the multicolored vomit spewed forth by a billion children who just overdosed on the entirety of candy from Wily Wonka's factory, I resurface only to reach for my bookcase where Carroll's tome rests, grab it and allow the current to pull me under shouting: "READ THE FUCKING BOOK YOU TALENTLESS KNOBS!!"

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  • Frozen

    Frozen

    ★★★

    Daughter 1: Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

    Me: Sure thing, honey. Does your brother want to watch as well?

    Son: What's it about?

    Daughter 1: Oh it's about princesses and true love!

    Son - blank stare-

    Daughter: and there's a snow monster.

    Son: Let's roll.

    -movie finishes, Daughter 1 is blaring Let it Go at the top of her lungs-

    Me: What'd you think, buddy?

    -Son gives me a look-

    Me: C'mon, wasn't that bad was it?

    Son (these are…

  • Grown Ups 2

    Grown Ups 2

    ½

    $246,984,278 worldwide.

    Our species does not deserve to live.