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  • The Shape of Water

    The Shape of Water

    ★½

    (I have a lot of serious things to say about this vapid, shallow, "look-at-me-being-all-grown-upsy-and-shouting-all-grown-upsy-stuff-while-still-hammering-home-my-50s-scifi-pastiche-fetish" and manchild-spawned fairytale in which love equals sex and violence equals sex and masculinity equals sex and femininity equals sex and basically everything is sex and nothing is real or relatable or even slightly remotely emotive, but all I can come up with is)

    Free Willy: the Reboot

  • The Cloverfield Paradox

    The Cloverfield Paradox

    The only paradoxical thing about this is that it isn't paradoxical.

    Or any good for that matter.

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  • Frozen

    Frozen

    ★★★

    Daughter 1: Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

    Me: Sure thing, honey. Does your brother want to watch as well?

    Son: What's it about?

    Daughter 1: Oh it's about princesses and true love!

    Son - blank stare-

    Daughter: and there's a snow monster.

    Son: Let's roll.

    -movie finishes, Daughter 1 is blaring Let it Go at the top of her lungs-

    Me: What'd you think, buddy?

    -Son gives me a look-

    Me: C'mon, wasn't that bad was it?

    Son (these are…

  • Grown Ups 2

    Grown Ups 2

    ½

    $246,984,278 worldwide.

    Our species does not deserve to live.