• Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

    Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

    ★★★★★

    This is probably the first time since Pan's Labyrinth that del Toro manages to capture that inner, childlike fascination with terror, innocence and fantasy so unbelievably well in a love song to cinema, the art of moviemaking and being true to oneself. It is beautiful, terrifying and truthful. An absolute triumph.

    Now imagine feeling all that and going on one of the few places on the internet to discuss movies and reading the popular reviews.

    What the fuck is going on?

  • Thor: Love and Thunder

    Thor: Love and Thunder

    ★½

    This is like one of those obnoxious 'omg I'm so random!' people, wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt.

    Painfully unfunny and insincere, sucking out any potential for actual 'shit at stake'-ness.

    Also doesn't help that basically everyone seems to treat this as a third rate over budgeted pantomime.

    Ironically, the actual pantomime bit in the film was brilliant.

  • Strange World

    Strange World

    ★★½

    We need a new word for something that is bland as fuck, but still kind of fun

    Blafund?

    Anyways, this is as blafund as it gets.

  • Barbarian

    Barbarian

    ★★★★★

    Now, the fact that a horror movie manages to surprise me (I've really seen far too many) is always a treat to me. The fact that it accompanies this with a perfectly paced script that really keeps you guessing where the hell it's going next and an antagonist that is as gnarly as it is compelling, is a humongous shitload of icing on the cake.

    Barbarian delivers on all fronts. It's tense, gory and manages to subvert a fair amount of tropes. I hope Zach Gregger keeps exploring the genre. He's quite good at it.

  • Everything Everywhere All at Once

    Everything Everywhere All at Once

    ★★★★★

    Superb in any and every universe.

    Without rival.

  • Prey

    Prey

    ★★★★

    No pretence, no faffing about, just a solid ass monster movie with a fantastic protagonist, brilliant gore, a clever setting and a dog.

    One does not need anything else.

  • Midsommar

    Midsommar

    ★★★★★

    Such a shame if you don't vibe with Aster, you're missing out.

    I'm just very happy I do, making Midsommar yet another unsettling modern horror masterpiece crafted by someone who truly knows his shit.

  • The Batman

    The Batman

    ★★★½

    Totally immersed in its gritty, bleak and dark as hell vibe. In that respect it is definitely one of the most successful Batman films, perhaps only surpassed in its commitment to style by the Burton Batman movies and Batman Begins.

    It sports some superb action sequences and overall outstanding acting but there's just one thing I can't get over.

    It's so fucking long.

    I'm not talking about the actual running time, I have no problems with 3 hour movies. But…

  • Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

    Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Hot gay Dumbledore vs Magical Lecter might sound like a treat but it really, really isn't.

    This is a movie about magic with the magic of movies beaten out of it by soulless writing, poor performances and above all so much nonsensical shit making it an arduous task to trudge through this sludge of vapid sepia coloured bullshit.

  • G.I. Jane

    G.I. Jane

    ★★

    Like a slap in the face.

  • Eternals

    Eternals

    ★★★

    When I first read the comic mini-series about the Eternals written by Neil Gaiman, I was struck by how tonally different this was from anything else in the Marvel Universe. These were not the grounded heroes like Spiderman, or the grim-faced warriors from the X-men, or even the overblown hero types of the Avengers. No, these were from the bizarre cosmological side of Marvel. But even there they were an entity of their own. There wasn't the light-heartedness of the…

  • Antlers

    Antlers

    ★½

    Finally the sequel to Bambi we deserve.