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  • Frozen

    Frozen

    ★★★

    Frozen is a decent film with some serious flaws, chief among them the dialogue. As a fellow New Englander it is almost as if Adam Green intentionally incorporated every single annoying speech affectation from Massachusetts and cranked the dial to ten.

    The second major issue is that the concept just starts to wear thin about one third of the way through. I can pinpoint exactly where it starts to careen off course. At the beginning I found myself fairly riveted…

  • Night Train to Terror

    Night Train to Terror

    Do you like fog machines? Good, you'll love Night Train to Terror.

    It's almost as if they built the entire film around the fog machine they owned.

  • Witchboard

    Witchboard

    ★★

    Witchboard isn't bad but it is pretty boring. Populated by lots of daytime soap opera alums and the dialogue scenes make that painfully apparent. It's your typical spirit-medium-ouji-seance film but stupider and with lots more chest hair.

    Watch if you're bored.

  • Tales of Halloween

    Tales of Halloween

    ★★★

    I would recommend this Halloween-themed horror anthology. I would say that the stories have about a 50/50 hit or miss ratio but this is helped by the fact that most of the misses don't miss by all too much.

    If you're looking for something new to watch around the holiday and are tiring of the same old flicks you always watch you could definitely do worse than Tales of Halloween.

  • The Houses October Built

    The Houses October Built

    ★★

    Better than I assumed it would be but much worse than it could have been.

    Never really transcends looking like something you and your high school friends could do with $5,000 and your father's miniDV camera. Despite being able to see the ending coming from just about the first scene it still somehow ruins anything the movie had managed to build up to that moment.

    Completely forgettable.

  • Microwave Massacre

    Microwave Massacre

    ★★

    Frosty the Snowman kills women and then cannibalizes them because his wife keeps making him food that he has to eat with utensils and not his bare hands.

  • The Dark House

    The Dark House

    ★★★★

    Interesting film. Somewhat predictable but worth watching.

  • Full Moon High

    Full Moon High

    Consists entirely of Eastern European stereotypes strung together through a werewolf story that's supposed to be funny. It's not. There's even a map where the countries are labeled inaccurately unless Romania and Bulgaria decided to swap places since 1981. African Americans highjack a plane leaving from Bucharest, apparently they were just hanging out in Romania? That is a good example of the stupidity of the entire movie.

  • Summer Rental

    Summer Rental

    ★★★

    It took about fifteen minutes for this John Candy comedy to grow on me.  Summer Rental is not a classic or a forgotten gem; it is rightly forgotten.  Despite itself, I can't deny the fun I had watching this.  Predictable and formulaic of course but there is such a levity to the whole thing, such an easy spirit to it that you can't help but get sucked in.

    Rip Torn is bonkers as a sea captain but he makes it…

  • Timestalkers

    Timestalkers

    ★★

    Uncle Phil is a blacksmith.  Klaus Kinski is Klaus Klinski playing a time traveler from the future.  Timestalkers isn't bad but it's pretty boring.  Ideally you'll watch this while folding laundry or doing dishes.

    X-wing sound from Star Wars is used to signify jumps between future and past.  Not something that sounds similar, near as I can tell it's the exact same sound.

  • The Glimmer Man

    The Glimmer Man

    ★★

    The Glimmer Man is where Seagal truly fell off the action film map and into DTV hell. Under Siege 2 started the decline, The Glimmer Man was the last grasp, and Fire Down Below drove the final nail into the career of a once promising action star.

    Seagal was never an action hero like Arnold, he never had a following like Chuck, and wasn't likable as JCVD but he was damn fun to watch in his first four films. All…

  • The Cobbler

    The Cobbler

    ½

    Adam Sandler doesn't even pretend to look like he's trying anymore.

    Sandler turns into a black man just so he can rob somebody.  No part of that is an exaggeration.