Eternals ★★

The Tree of Life for people who watch four movies a year.

Get ready and prepare your whole body for a slow and painful death via mind-pulverising exposition. Can't believe how one of the most tender and humanist filmmakers on the planet can make something this muddled, meandering and platitudinous (except I kinda can because the mighty mouse house doesn't discriminate). No number of flat golden hour shots can save what could be the worst paced blockbuster of the last few years. If your kink is watching a variety of self-serious brick walls and a couple of quip addicts punch some sabretooth wolf demons with their magical golden powers in visually muddy landscapes—with fully rendered CGI humans on top—then this will turn you on. A couple of tender moments didn't stop me from being mind-probed by a bunch of sci-fi gobbledygook. Thankfully, Barry Keoghan gets to unleash a bit of his weird unhinged energy and Don Lee gets to punch shit really hard, I guess. There's a lot of smoldering because this is a serious one about why humans are good! Some filmmakers aren't cut out for spectacle cinema and while I adore Chloe, her rustic visual aesthetic doesn't mesh with this sci-fi channel original movie hooey. Brian Tyree Henry crying at Hiroshima while wearing a bow tie is one of the funniest things EVER. At least the main theme is catchy.

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