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  • Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero

    Batman & Mr. Freeze: SubZero

    ★★★

    It's a pretty good movie (with certain definite improvements over Mask of the Phantasm, especially in cinematography) but in lieu of reviewing the actual film I will be reviewing the special features included with the film on the 2008 Batman: Mask of the Phantasm / Batman and Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero double feature DVD.

    The Art of Batman and Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero. You may think that this would be a simple image gallery of storyboards, backgrounds, and model sheets, or interviews…

  • Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

    Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

    ★★★

    So, tell me—with all that money and power, how come you always look like you want to jump off a cliff?

    Another watch on a whim, post-Birds of Prey, and also inspired by my long-procrastinated effort to finally (re)watch my dusty DVD collection. Mask of the Phantasm feels like a long, pretty good episode of Batman: The Animated Series, though it still can't hold a candle to that half-hour cartoon's best episodes. What makes "Feat of Clay," "Heart of Ice,"…

  • Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

    Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

    ★★★★

    Every single foot of this film (speaking metaphorically, of course, since it was shot digitally) is like a kick in Suicide Squad's gut while it's already down, humiliated and maligned, because I could not control my sheer awe at how Birds of Prey beats Ayer's dreck at its own game. If Suicide Squad is a tire fire, Birds of Prey is a fireworks show.

    It's perhaps a bit reductive to say that they're "basically the same movie," but it's at…

  • Hancock

    Hancock

    "Watch Hancock since you just watched I, Robot and I Am Legend," I said, "It'll be fun," I said. Phooey. The first, superhero half of this movie is completely unenjoyable, meatheaded, obnoxiously excessive, and sloppy on every level. The second, Will Smith-fucks-your-wife half of this movie is unceasingly awkward and emotionally incoherent. Hancock's costume sucks shit. The eagle motif sucks shit. The depiction of prison and Hancock's easy breezy rehabilitation sucks extra shit. This movie feels like a fucking Air Force commercial, even more than superhero movies usually do.

  • I Am Legend

    I Am Legend

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Social de-evolution appears complete. Typical human behavior is now entirely absent.

    I watched I, Robot on a whim instead of The Oscars and when I finished I said you know what, I still haven't gotten my fill of Will Smith blockbusters from the aughts, so I put on this bad boy right after. They're a very interesting double-feature, similar in many ways: Will Smith, start with "I," apocalypse via violent conflict (between robots and infected persons), and half-baked querying into…

  • I, Robot

    I, Robot

    ★★

    A robot cannot be charged with homicide. The brief confirms murder can only be committed when one human kills another. You of all people, Detective, you're not suggesting that this robot be treated as human, are you?

    Big, fun, Bush-era sci-fi action from Hollywood's most bankable man. I hate how hot Will Smith is in this, it's unbelievable, but it only adds to his charm as he proves that he has the charisma to make even a movie this ideologically…

  • Uncut Gems

    Uncut Gems

    ★★★★

    you know what's even more anxiety-enducing than Uncut Gems? watching Uncut Gems for the second time with two people who haven't seen it before and don't seem to be feeling the gem as much as you are (until the very end...!).

    even more appreciation for Julia Fox's performance this time around, especially physically. ever since seeing this I've imagined her as the Bride of Frankenstein and her shouting match with Howard after The Weeknd concert just cements it for me

  • Skate Kitchen

    Skate Kitchen

    ★★★

    What's better than this? Just girls bein' gals.

    Skate Kitchen is like A Christmas Story in that it's a movie in which not a lot happens. The latter is about a particularly memorable Christmas, the former is about a girl who joins a skateboarding clique. Obviously there's drama in her relationships with her mother, her new friends, and the male skaters, but the focus of the movie—its emotional and artistic core—is the act of skateboarding itself. In fact, these dramatic…

  • The Assignment

    The Assignment

    ★★

    Complete junk, shallow and incoherent, burdened by an insultingly unnecessary duo of framing devices that remove all tension and suspense from the story, dragged down by characters who do not ever act or speak for a single instant like a normal human being, blemished by laughably bad "man" make-up on Michelle Rodriguez in its first act, stunted by the hilarious idea that such a prolific and elusive hitman exclusively kills his targets by walking up as close as possible to…

  • The Skin I Live In

    The Skin I Live In

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    hoooooooooooooooo fuckin boy

    ◻️ there's no fucking way i'm going to be able to write about this in a very coherent or structured way right now so it's gonna be another one of carmilla's bullet-point reviews!

    ◻️ antonio banderas would have absolutely killed it as james bond if he was ever given the opportunity.

    ◻️ i love the hot, tropical color palette of this film and its contrast with the sterility of Dr. Ledgard's laboratory/mansion, which is adorned with so…

  • Victim

    Victim

    This film's only distinction is doing what The Skin I Live In did one year before The Skin I Live In did it, and if it had come out one year after The Skin I Live In then it would have no distinction at all and just be a rip-off of The Skin I Live In. But this came out one year before The Skin I Live In instead, which gives it the distinction of doing what The Skin I…

  • Queens At Heart

    Queens At Heart

    I have an older brother.
    Does he know you're homosexual?
    No.
    What would you do if he found out?
    He'd probably kill me.

    Unconscionable. The interviewer of Queens at Heart hounds his transsexual subjects with questions about their bodies: the effects of their hormones, their heights, their weights, the development of their breasts, their sex lives, and their surgical procedures that they have either had or want to have. He asks about their bullying, misery, exclusion, and suicidal tendencies. He…