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  • King Cobra

    King Cobra

    ★★★

    Cute Gay Porn Star: "Can we address the elephant in the room?"
    Cuter Gay Porn Star: *looks both ways*

  • Ferris Bueller's Day Off

    Ferris Bueller's Day Off

    ★★★½

    Matthew Broderick's Ferris is still and always will be an entitled monster. Luckily literally everything he's surrounded by -- Alan Ruck's not-a-boy-not-yet-a-man Cameron, Edie McClurg's Wite-Out sniffing officefrau, the Dream Academy-scored nouvelle vague montage, Jennifer Grey's dropkicks edited like The Fury's finale, the crunchiest working-mom hair committed to celluloid, Gummi Bears that have been in her pocket so they're real warm 'n' soft -- is a pop miracle. Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could find yourself the worst thing in Manchester By The Sea.

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  • The Danish Girl

    The Danish Girl

    ★½

    Eddie Redmayne plays transgender the way actors in the '30s and '40s played alcoholics.

  • La La Land

    La La Land

    ★★½

    It's just heartening to know that, had it been released in 2016 instead of 1980, Xanadu would've gotten fantastic reviews.