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  • Royal Warriors

    Royal Warriors

    ★★★★

    Royal Warriors has got everything you need for a banger of a film. Exploding cars, an airplane hijacking, cringy dated workplace harassment, a night club shootout, a character pouring over VHS security footage like he's watching the Zapruder film, insane car chases, unsafe stunt work, a fuckin police tank(!), juicy squibs, and a coffin hanging from a crane.

    I implore you to watch this. Just look at the goddamn one sheet!

  • Dial Code Santa Claus

    Dial Code Santa Claus

    ★★★★

    New York's hottest new club has everything: Die Hard, Rambo, Home Alone, 90s kid mullets, tossed croissants, diabetic comas, the Grandpa from Willy Wonka, excellent miniature work, bad shadow green screen effects overlayed on cool minatures, a dead dog, a dead dog being buried to a montage, multiple montages of a ten year old kid putting on weapons, and the killer in Too Many Cooks as a murdery (and briefly, pedophiley) Santa Claus who wants to play hide and seek.

    Hopefully this sees a VOD/Blu-ray release soon because I want to immediately slot it into my yearly Christmas playlist.

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  • Aenigma

    Aenigma

    ★★★

    Lucio Fulci presents: Patrick

  • Cannibal Holocaust

    Cannibal Holocaust

    ★★

    For being the start of the found footage genre of films, and the decision to utilize both 35mm and 16mm, this is an artful piece of work.

    As an actual piece of cinema, this is incredibly boring and longwinded.

    As a horror film it's super tame and just kind of pathetic. The turtle scene was the worst part of this whole thing and to claim anything else, well, you should get out your comfort zone and watch some more uncomfortable films sometime.

    Neat that Lamberto Bava was an assistant director though!

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  • The Beach Bum

    The Beach Bum

    ★½

    Imagine being sober while in the presence of a group of friends who are stoned out of their fucking skull and drunk off their ass. They sure look like they're having a blast, but being around them is absolutely exhausting.

    Are all Harmony Korine films like this? There's nothing enjoyable about this film, and I feel like I've wasted two hours I'll never get back.

  • Mandy

    Mandy

    ★★★★

    🔸Normal brain: Nic Cage yelling "I'm a vampire!" in Vampire's Kiss.
    🔸Expanding brain: Nic Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence.
    🔸Galaxy brain: Nic Cage having a two minute long uncut emotional breakdown in a bathroom after watching his wife burned alive.

    This is the film equivalent of staring into the Ark of the Covenant or the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.