RSS feed for Jon
  • No Contest

    No Contest


    "We are the fucking hostages, you stupid pile of toad shit!"

    Never knew that I needed an ultraviolent female-led Die Hard tryhard with Shannon Tweed, Andrew Dice Clay, Robert Davi, and Roddy Piper as a stone cold killer who just. wont. die.

    This is a romp.

  • Project: Shadowchaser

    Project: Shadowchaser



    Die Hard by way of a convoluted rescue of a First Daughter by a mistakenly identified football player convict (?) architect from a shirtless albino Terminator named Romulus.

    It's not clever, but it's got a lot of cheesy gunfights, guys throwing themselves through windows when grenades go off, and obvious heel turns.

    Genuinely curious how they manage to stretch this into a franchise with three (!) more installments.

  • Malone



    Road House but with more mustaches, PNW alt-right redneck militias, a lack of boss hog meat slapping, and Burt Reynolds looking directly at explosions.

  • Sonic the Hedgehog

    Sonic the Hedgehog


    It's alright! James Marsden is kind of phoning it in, and his girlfriend/wife might as well be invisible, but Ben Schwartz's manic 'tude perfectly encapsulates Sonic and Jim Carrey is channeling some raw early 90s Jim Carrey The Mask energy.

    It's kind of hilarious that they turned a Sonic film into a road trip comedy halfway through with strange Olive Garden product placement.

    Overall as far as film adaptations of a video game go this honestly could have ended up being real awful, but there are a number of moments that got a genuine laugh out of me.

    It's pretty alright!

  • VFW



    "So you're the one who killed Z."
    [ spits on the floor ]
    "Oh that's real scary shit."

    A genre-based Old Dogs vs the gang from Vigilante fighting over mysterious blue cocaine that might turn you rabid, all while holed up in a bar. It's got some fun cheesy one-liners and solid practical effects, but Begos films always come off as overly edgelord.

    Will somebody please buy him some new cameras and lenses? I spent the better half of this thinking that there was a smudge on my glasses, only for it to be the film being fuzzy on purpose (???).

  • Jallikattu



    If your d̶o̶g̶ buffalo is l̶o̶s̶t̶ running wild you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin d̶o̶g̶ buffalo.

  • Solo



    There are worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

  • Timebomb



    "What are you doing!? Hurry up!"
    "I'm waiting for the receipt!"
    "Fuck the receipt!"

    A grimey Bourne Identity with gunfights outside Los Angeles XXX theaters, flashbacks to a namelss busty naked (virtual?) woman writhing around on a bed, and a Manchurian Candidate subplot.

    Michael Biehn sells the fuck out of everything.

    Fun trash amnesia action.

  • Charlie's Angels

    Charlie's Angels


    Girl power but on the blockchain.

  • Black Sunday

    Black Sunday


    It's only fitting to watch a film about a terrorist group who wants to detonate a Goodyear blimp carrying a payload of C4 and nails over the Super Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday.

    Black Sunday takes a little bit to get going, but when it kicks into gear it doesn't let up. Peak 70s disaster porn, Bruce Dern swinging for the fences, special effects that have aged poorly, a cameo by Jimmy Carter, an ending that was ripped off for…

  • One Cut of the Dead

    One Cut of the Dead


    Went in knowing the gist of the meta, but I neither expected it to get that meta nor heavily utilize royalty free YouTube music that's commonly set to montages of satisfying machines, puppies, or Tasty recipes.

    What a strange film.

  • The Head Hunter

    The Head Hunter


    Goopy practical creature effects that look great, but man did they stretch this to barely make 70 minutes.

    Hard to believe that the guy that make ThanksKilling did this.