Carol ★★★★★

I've always struggled with my sexuality. From 7th-8th grade I was 100% sure I was gay, until I realized I wasn't and had a major panic attack. Having to un-come out to all of my friends was one of the most heart wrenching and upsetting things I ever did. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, and felt completely idiotic. 

I know now that I am bisexual and am completely comfortable with it. 

I've never been confident. I've never found myself to be at all attractive and always failed with my grades because I never believe I can do anything. I haven't made any films because I fear they will turn out terrible and that I will be criticized.

I still struggle with this everyday and it seems to be getting worse. 

I have extreme anxiety, something my mother won't accept most of the time and something I consume myself with every single day. I fear my friendships will fail, my family will hate me, I will disappoint people. I truly blame myself for every relationship in my life that failed, even when I know they aren't my fault.

When I watched Carol back in 2015, I wasn't impressed and expected more. I realize now that this film is me, and everything I feel about myself. As a woman in the LGBT community, this is nothing new and has been said before by hundreds of people just like me. But I interpret films in my own way and always have, so that every film is a new experience. 

La La Land is my vision of dreaming and the future. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is my vision of love and regret, and now I see Carol as a vision of myself. I fear now that I'm being selfish, and maybe I am, but I've always feared the woman I am and Carol has changed me completely.

I'm not entirely positive how to conclude this, but I feel myself in Therese Belivet and now I'm hopeful for the future and who I will be. I love this films beautiful score, flawless acting, and timeless story of love. The last shot of Carol made me cry and left me with chills. Carol is perfect.

P.S. Thank you, Brendan, for always talking about Carol and Rooney Mara.

P.P.S I apologize for only doing personal essays and not real reviews, but hopefully one day I will give that to you all.

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