• Logan

    Logan

    ★★★½

    gruff, middle-aged loner guy becomes human again upon being tasked to care for a child and they learn to be family is so elite as a genre. but i had to pause because i haven't seen an x-men movie in like 8 years... so it threw me a little when charles began telepathically communicating with horses

  • Napoleon Dynamite

    Napoleon Dynamite

    ★★★★

    "napoleon, don't be jealous that i've been chatting online with babes all day. besides, we both know i'm training to become a cage fighter."

  • A Castle for Christmas

    A Castle for Christmas

    ★½

    do not trust brooke shields with your hair. see an actual professional

  • #Alive

    #Alive

    ★★½

    yoo ah in i am on my knees begging for you to fire your agent. someone isn't doing their job here, and it's not yoo ah in because he never fails to outshine everyone else in the most mediocre of movies. i'm about to start biting people myself, my god

  • Spencer

    Spencer

    ★★★

    the superhuman restraint she had to not just shoot charles point-blank

  • Venom: Let There Be Carnage

    Venom: Let There Be Carnage

    ★★½

    tom hardy is writing high-budget gay monsterfucker nonsense in his notes app and no corporate heads can stop him!

  • 3 Will Be Free

    3 Will Be Free

    i like when someone gets shot and "killed" but you can still see the actor breathing on the floor

  • Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

    Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

    ★★

    daniel craig's accent makes it sound like his name is tucker missouri and he's ambiguously from the northeast and he's definitely wrestled a crocodile with his bare hands. angelina jolie's accent, however, makes me believe her name is felicity charlotte huntington, but she's from socal and she puts on that accent because she's been to london one time and never shuts up about it

  • tick, tick...BOOM!

    tick, tick...BOOM!

    ★★★

    five people are holding me back as i fight, foaming at the mouth, making deals with god for that fucking andrew garfield oscar GIVE HIM THE STUPID STATUE OR I WILL RESORT TO HEINOUS CRIMES

  • Hellbound

    Hellbound

    [1/6] yoo ah in is like, "i love to take roles that challenge me" which is so admirable... but sometimes i do wonder if he reads the script because i am Suffering

  • Last Night in Soho

    Last Night in Soho

    ★½

    has all the conventional qualities of a moffat-era doctor who episode (matt smith is there, Some Guys In Suits Are No Good, and badly-written women) and no one in this can save it. no one is driving the car here, we're all spinning off the road after 15 minutes in, and then we crash and somehow burn for the last entire hour

  • Marie Antoinette

    Marie Antoinette

    ★★★★½

    "what does camp mean" "like when something is so yass and slay" was definitely a discussion about marie antoinette (2006)