This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
felonioustongue’s review published on Letterboxd :
This review may contain spoilers.
What with the Conan remake coming out, I'm reminded that, even though I probably shouldn't, I LOVE Conan the Destroyer, the second of the two original Conan films starring Arnie.
Exhibit A: Grace Jones. Fierce as hell, and funny. I love her removable metal head-plate she uses to head-butt people!
Exhibit B: The score. EPIC. No subtleties belong in this movie! I particularly love the score during the huge battle at the end.
Exhibit C: A virgin sacrifice that isn't (because Arnie's Conan's like, "This is bullshit.").
Exhibit D: Wimpy thief for comic relief, bent on stealing everything shiny in the world. And his brother's sister's cousin totally didn't say anything about bars.
Exhibit E: That crazy-ass, crystal castle wizard and his multiple creature-in-mirrors trick.
Exhibit F: Wilt Chamberlain. My dad informed me that he was a famous basketball player. But everyone else knows him as someone who apparently screwed a fuckton of women. Anyway, he definitely looks like someone who could believably be a match for Arnie.
Exhibit G: Mako as the wizard (and narrator). They rescue this dude from cannibals at the beginning. Otherwise, he can't be fucked with; you need a wizard along. Also, because I know him from this, I get special enjoyment hearing him as Aku in Samurai Jack.
Exhibit H: The queen's cool clothes. Before she gets eaten by Dagoth, anyway.
Exhibit I: Drunken Conan trying to show the princess how to use a sword (after insulting Zula's spear as a "toothpick," lol). Arnie's acting really isn't too bad, which is even more noticeable when you watch something like Red Sonja and see how terrible Brigitte Nielsen is in comparison.
Exhibit J: The various sex talks given to the princess, such as Zula's advice to just "grab" and "take" the man you want, and the thief's ridiculous speech about flowers.