Conan the Destroyer ★★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

What with the Conan remake coming out, I'm reminded that, even though I probably shouldn't, I LOVE Conan the Destroyer, the second of the two original Conan films starring Arnie.

Exhibit A: Grace Jones. Fierce as hell, and funny. I love her removable metal head-plate she uses to head-butt people!

Exhibit B: The score. EPIC. No subtleties belong in this movie! I particularly love the score during the huge battle at the end.

Exhibit C: A virgin sacrifice that isn't (because Arnie's Conan's like, "This is bullshit.").

Exhibit D: Wimpy thief for comic relief, bent on stealing everything shiny in the world. And his brother's sister's cousin totally didn't say anything about bars.

Exhibit E: That crazy-ass, crystal castle wizard and his multiple creature-in-mirrors trick.

Exhibit F: Wilt Chamberlain. My dad informed me that he was a famous basketball player. But everyone else knows him as someone who apparently screwed a fuckton of women. Anyway, he definitely looks like someone who could believably be a match for Arnie.

Exhibit G: Mako as the wizard (and narrator). They rescue this dude from cannibals at the beginning. Otherwise, he can't be fucked with; you need a wizard along. Also, because I know him from this, I get special enjoyment hearing him as Aku in Samurai Jack.

Exhibit H: The queen's cool clothes. Before she gets eaten by Dagoth, anyway.

Exhibit I: Drunken Conan trying to show the princess how to use a sword (after insulting Zula's spear as a "toothpick," lol). Arnie's acting really isn't too bad, which is even more noticeable when you watch something like Red Sonja and see how terrible Brigitte Nielsen is in comparison.

Exhibit J: The various sex talks given to the princess, such as Zula's advice to just "grab" and "take" the man you want, and the thief's ridiculous speech about flowers.

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