the loss of kaspar: once i had the omen & sign of a black cat dead (called nemo) & after a period of mourning, which was 3 days of crossing the place of his death, laid him to rest in a pyre & later dreamt a premonition of my own death,

saw & felt myself die, watched it happen, and felt a piece remain, trapped as a slow fading shine of light hung in a void. i think now sometimes of being trapped in my body even after i die & while my hope has been at least when i die i will be nothing, the thought of this other possibility terrifies me.

but i thought after watching this movie that maybe if the Thrones' wheels are Black Holes large as galaxies (with flaming stars their many eyes), maybe their reach will eventually be long and powerful enough to one day drink our fragment light out of the dead face of future earth back to god where we will pass them singing sonorous holy holy holys ~57 octaves below the range of our hearing.

&&&

this movie deeply resonated with me as: live-alone with your cat(s) talk to humans only rarely stare-at-trees lonely chronically tranquilized by anti-psychotics sustained mostly by junk food & songs of import, all repeating in waves you feel helpless to escape as if you are completely being controlled by outside forces and also wildly out of control at the same time,

when you're born in a vast Maw knowing how much of you has been sold to it before your birth & the nature of the particular Teeth that must bite you (you, specifically) thru no doing of your own, such that bargaining/forsaking your body/embodiment is both utmost terror & greatest relief,

*
i don't wanna live & i don't wanna die!!!
i didn't ask to be born, thx for nothing!!!
*

and how tragic and beautiful it is that all sean wants is a safe place to live with his cat with easy access to cat food, gatorade, and doritos & how much i feel that,

& like how the humblest wants for comfort & safety can seem like a heaven, inaccessible but for supernatural intervention, but the terror-downbeat-nega-vibe that even if they give you nothing in return for what they take, if you non serviam @ god or capitalism then you can be forsaken by society and god & no one might care if you die alone (forever) & even if you speak sometimes only demons will listen,

& while i don't condone bargaining with demons for safety reasons, belial was maybe an especially dangerous choice & maybe someone like Stolas would have been less malicious. less useful maybe, since i don't think he knows about creating gold, but he could teach you astronomy, botany, and geology. which is not nothing. plus whatever he'd charge you is probably cheaper than actually going to college. (but srsly don't talk to demons. it's just not worth it!)

'the time is so little, the time (should) belong to us'

& yet tho i didn't ask for it im still here half-ghost praying near the trees trying 2 b grateful even tho everything can ache, afraid of my consciousness surviving physical death, hoping to be swallowed by the mouth of a galaxy into an endless glut of light & song if i can swing it, some final end to embodiment and separateness because i don't know what else to do or wish for at this point & its nice to think of not being forgotten at the end of all things, but also that would be okay. its the part in the middle that's hard.

rest in peace, nemo. may angels always tend you, may you have cat food forever & may you never know fear again. & your purring will be a sound far sweeter than any angel's song.