idek how to rate this it just exists on its own plane

must a film be good? is it not enough to have dolly parton and christine baranski chewing up the christmas scenery in an all-singing, all-dancing, excessively camp musical?

In one scene, Christine Baranski claims to push an emergency button that would call the police, and Dolly Parton says “honey, that’s a Sucrets!”, and you see Baranski slamming her hand on a cough drop.

A surrealist musical by accident. It’s about an entire town where every resident is being evicted so they can bulldoze the town, and build a mall called “Cheetah Mall”. This felt like a fever dream. Every resident of the town looks like a stock photo model. I might have to watch this every year. It’s equally a half star AND five star movie! Don’t sleep on this!!!

Oscars Executive #1: What are we going to do about the Oscars this year?

Oscars Executive #2: Because of the pandemic?

Oscars Executive #1: No, because of Dolly Parton’s Christmas On The Square. It’s just... too good.

Oscars Executive #2: My God, you’re right.

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

“You’re like my soft pillow”
- An actual lyric from a romantic song in this movie that somehow exists. Yeah this one’s a new fave for sure. 

It all feels like watching an elementary school Christmas pageant or a local community theatre production and i mean that in all the BEST ways possible. Everything is so campy and chaotic, and it knows that: the setting is supposed to look exactly like a network TV soundstage special from the 1950s, characters spout lyrics over dramatically like “Regenie, you’re such a meanie! Playing queenie! I’ve loved you since we were teeny!”, and our lord and savior Dolly Parton plays an angel literally named Angel, spending all her time floating atop a CGI green screen cloud. There will be people who groan at it’s cheesy schmaltz, and people who’ll love it--and i am on the side that loves it. It’s dumb glittery holiday magic.

“Wow this is just like Hamilton” -my mom

This is, without a doubt, one of the single most chaotic movies I have ever witnessed and I need everybody on this planet to watch this movie immediately. 

My personal favorite genre of film is “Christine Baranski singing Scandinavian pop songs in Greece with a big family twist” so I’m very happy to say that “Christine Baranski singing with Dolly Parton in a small town at Christmas with a big family twist” was exactly made for me

Dolly as Christ Figure

“The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the rope.”

— Komrade Dollinara “Dolly” Parton, Товарищ Доллина Партон, имя ее

Christine Baranski and Jennifer Lewis ruled the roost but Dolly Parton stepped in every now and then to remind them who’s pay roll they’re on

Batshit insane, honestly. But 2-stars is the lowest you can possibly go for a movie with both Dolly and Baranski, no?

hahaha

this wasn't even fun bad this was just tedious and every message was actively bad

best scene was when the entire town described how they would murder christine baranski

Love Dolly, just fun

For a christmas movie, this was decent enough-loved the music!

Unbridled madness, but so campy and delightful that it's kind of impossible to dislike. It's a bit like finding yourself enjoying a party you didn't want to attend. Dolly Parton is a homeless angel draped in pristine designer rags, Christine Baranski is an Ebenezer Scrooge figure determined to demolish an entire town and replace it with something called "Cheetah Mall," and all the townspeople have great voices and can't stop dancing. There are a few twists and turns, but you already know where this is going. Admittedly, Dolly Parton's Christmas on the Square would probably go down better over the holidays with a mug of spiked eggnog than over a lunch break with bad coffee, but I had fun.

Love that Dolly Parton plays homeless in this with a face beat for the gods and filler for days. God bless everyone in this for giving it their all.

I was initially skeptical, and unsurprisingly, it was really bad...but also inexplicably incredibly entertaining. I loved it and it genuinely put me in a really great/sassy mood. Something about Dolly is truly magic, I’d probably never watch this again, but after a couple of drinks this was a great watch. Bad on several levels but I laughed a lot and it made me feel pretty happy.🎄🎄🎄 and remember folks, looking at life through the rear view mirror reveals your destiny!

FUCK YEAH!!! DOLLY PARTON!!!!!!!

and the oscar for best actress in a leading role goes to..

christine baranski, christmas on the square!

what????? okay!!!!! I trust dolly parton and dolly parton only!!!

You really have to be inebriated and just... blindly devoted to Dolly and Christine Baranski to enjoy this movie. 

The green screen work is atrocious, Dolly has been autotuned within an inch of her life, and... just questionable choices all around. Like, why does some hot guy keep dancing around the barber shop after the entire town got evicted? Was Pastor Christian the Christian Pastor really the best they could do there?

Jennifer Lewis deserved better.