Mom went to bed so dad wanted to watch a comedy special 😎. He laughed hard at the curse words; he’s not really allowed to watch curse word stuff with mom. 

At the end when Mulaney said “goodnight!”,
I also turned to my dad and said “goodnight!”
as a joke. He then asked what time I’m waking up in the morning and I lied to him and said “nine.” In truth, I will get up later than nine 😎

anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die, i can’t have them roaming around

EXCUSE ME? YOUR KID BIT MY DICK

me to john: you can do whatever you want forever!

john mulaney: eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs
me: *chef's kiss* the power of poetry

you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

back on my mulshit

"brrr lil honky ass"

me as john mulaney quotes, a collection i’m working on:

- sometimes babies will point at me, and i don't care for that shit at all. 
- in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. 
- i'm a very lucky person. i'm an idiot, and i've shovelled through life rather nicely so far, so i don't feel like i deserve good treatment. 
- i’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then i’ll die. 
- i don’t look older, i just look worse. 
- you know those days where you’re like, ‘this might as well happen?’
- i don’t like that i’m in that lane either. and i sure would like to get out of it 
- i don't know. i know you told me but i have had a very long day. i am very small and i have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under.

john mulaney tells stories in a way that makes me feel like he's my oldest friend and he's telling me said stories while we're chillin at his place or something

ah, numbers, the letters of math.

does anyone else experience that thing after finishing a john mulaney special where suddenly you can only talk in monologues with weird inflections?? just me? okay

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

she's just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot.
aren't we all?

"one black coffee, same motherfucker."

i got 2.4 on a final, so i watched this to feel better about myself. ignorance is bliss, i do not care about my exam anymore, thank you john.

"eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs."

não chega aos pés do sack lunch bunch ou do kid gorgeous, mas ainda assim é muito engraçado

Never misses

it’s my birthday and i get to choose the john mulaney special

too old to be a duckling quack quack

you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

This is his least funny special but still very funny especially the Clinton stuff

THEY ASSUME IT! and when you google your name the third thing that comes up is JOHN MULANEY BULL? and if you just bought the cow that wouldn’t happen anymore

petunia y john mulaney quack

there have been about eight cows total...several unmilked...and a lot of people think you like bulls