when i say i would die for my daughter, it doesn't only mean i would give her a vital organ or make her drink the last of the water in a desert or take her place in front of an oncoming speeding vehicle or pull her out of a burning building. it also means i will die thousands upon thousands of small deaths - i watched the seconds of my life tick slowly away as i endured the mind-numbing boredom of watching an infant attempt a simple puzzle, i took years off my life when i made myself sick with lack of sleep or stress or worry, i feel a pain close to death as i stand and make awkward…

11/100

Well, fuck.

OK, so I didn't have any expectations for this, but considering how much I enjoyed the two Despicable Me installments, and especially the moments with the minions, I thought I would enjoy myself.

I made an unspeakable, vile, agonizing, shitty mistake.

From the opening Universal logo and theme, sung by the minions with their usual glee, I felt like I was beamed into a special corner of Hell, handcrafted and designed just for me. A headache instantly stung and crept into the crevices of my head, and there I was, listening to gibberish for the next 90 minutes. With not even an inch of interesting story development and quite possibly the worst villain that I've ever seen…

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand an arthouse film like Minions (2015). The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of minion-ese most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Stuart's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterization and his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about BANANA. As a consequence people who dislike Minions truly ARE idiots of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humor in Bob's existential catchphrase…

I had a hunch that I wasn't going to like it but wow, I should not have seen this! This is one of those criminal activities that make you despise the very things you once found adorable and even though it is evident that this stupid vile piece of shit is aimed at kids, does it really have to be this pathetic for the rest of the viewers who were left with no choice but to accompany those little rascals & sit through this unbearable torture?

A spin-off to the Despicable Me series that also serves as its prequel, Minions tells the story of its titular characters; the small, yellow henchmen of Gru who have been around since the very beginning…

As for many people the minions were by far the best thing in the Despicable Me - movies, it was hardly surprising they'd get their own movie eventually. I happen to live with one of those people, so skipping this movie was not an option. Neither was liking it, apparently.

It's not a great movie by any conventional means. The plot is bad, the dialogue is almost literally gibberish and most of the humour is really low-brow. Still, it's a charming little movie that makes sense in its own way, just like the main protagonists. I get why many people will dislike or hate this movie, but anyone who really liked those pill-shaped little guys in the original movies is…