For years, Hollywood and the surrounding Culture Wars have asked a question: Do Critics Matter? It's a frankly boring question, but the main anxiety has developed out of a growing disconnect between Rotten Tomatoes Favorites and the American Box Office. But Disney and their expanding intellectual properties have put a new spin on this story: critics don't matter, but studios deliberately position / design films to harness their words in order to enter The Cultural Conversation. Their movies are no longer meant to be experienced; only consumed in order to generate more content. Whether this translates to dollars (especially abroad), I'm less sure. But I am sure of one thing: reviews of Rogue One are designed to write themselves.

Rogue…

Rogue One had one mission: To tell a vital story in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Mission accomplished!

While The Force Awakens catered to fanboys and the all important toy sales; Rogue One, well, goes rogue. Yes, we have a few familiar faces. Yes, there's mad homage to future events in New Hope. But, it's not obvious, and it doesn't get in the way of developing the main characters in Rogue One. 

Speaking of characters. Finally, Donnie Yen has entered the building to the average Western Hemisphere movie watcher. I've loved Donnie for years, and in my opinion, he's the breakout superstar as the blind bootleg Jedi, Chirrut Imwe. I can't forget Felicity Jones' heroic turn as Jyn Erso. The…

The last 45 minutes are worth the price of admission alone. But I'm sad to say the first two acts are pretty "meh" to be honest. People are really comparing this to The Empire Strikes Back? To each their own, but I don't get that whatsoever. Rogue One isn't even in the same ballpark as The Force Awakens for that matter. This films biggest issue is the lack of interesting characters. The characters are what makes Star Wars my favorite movie franchise. Sadly, in my opinion Rogue One doesn't have any. After seeing Force Awakens Rey and Finn stuck with me for days after seeing TFA because they were superbly written. I can't say the same for the characters in…

if you want to know what someone is really like, ask them who their rogue one crush is & then consult this handy chart:

Cassian Andor
-thinks they want a bad boy but wouldn't actually be able to handle being with a bad boy

Bodhi Rook
-is constantly anxious but does a pretty good job at hiding it

Jyn Erso
-boring
OR
-straight guy who just picked her because of the lack of options (yes, obviously felicity jones is beautiful, but a crush is based on personality as well, which is something jyn completely lacks)

Galen Erso
-has for sure jacked off to Hannibal (TV Series 2013-2015) 

Darth Vader
-into, like, bondage & shit

K-2SO
-a 7 year old who doesn't really…

The opening scene of Gareth Edwards’ “Rogue One” is exhilarating.

It begins with a gorgeous panoramic vista of a remote and distant planet, a magical place where the ocean nudges up against a fog-swaddled valley. An angular, bird-like aircraft pierces the gray horizon and lands on the leafy ground below. For those who live in this place, the ship’s arrival doesn’t appear to be entirely unexpected — a scraggly fugitive named Galen Erso (Mads Mikkelsen) is seen whispering four ominous words to his wife: “He’s come for us.”

A phalanx of soldiers step on to the grass, their leader, Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn) urging them forward. Snarls of wind kick up the white hem of his Imperial cloak in a…

Rewatch with the kids. I feel extremely fondly towards this one, though I have to admit it feels little convoluted and hurried in the first half. Much of the filmmaking is such a spectacular homage to the look and feel of the first film, I just wish this had the guts to spend 20 minutes doing the equivalent of meandering around the desert with zero human characters for 20 minutes.

I think the character work is honestly really impressive given how few minutes we get to spend on each of these people. I fully love K2S0, Chirrut, and Baze. Bhodi is less coherent, but so endearingly performed by Riz Ahmed that I still end up liking him. Jyn feels a…