“The Emoji Movie” might seem like a brazenly cynical cash grab that only exists because a Hollywood studio saw an opportunity to brand the most universal human language since the invention of math (apologies to Esperanto), but Sony Pictures Animation’s big new blockbuster has represented something very positive since the start of this summer movie season: hope. Specifically, the hope that — for 90 beautiful minutes — Hollywood would spirit us away to a cinematic world that was somehow actually worse than real life. What a gift it would be in July 2017 to leave the multiplex and actually come up on our way back to reality, to feel the faint nausea of ascension for the first time all year…

Once in a lifetime you'll come across a film that truly captures the history and cultural distinctions of the modern world the way a person can subjectively perceive it through our guided field of perspective. I have to admit, I had my doubts when I first learned of the movie. After all, a movie based on emojis? Those annoying things people send in texts? Come on, Sony. You’re really pushing it. How ignorant was I to even have these thoughts.

Little did I know I was about to indulge in what may have been the best 5 hours and 38 minutes of my life. The movie started out strong. The opening scenes enticed the audience with a captivating enigma. I…

It goes without saying that this movie is awful. It's pretty much the worst you can get in terms of blatant attempts to pander to younger audiences. It's visually appealing at certain segments, but that's the only thing this movie doesn't completely screw up. The plot is basically just a rip off of The Lego Movie/Wreck it Ralph; a misfit in society finds out that it's good to be unique, meets some quirky characters, the usual stuff. There's product placement and bad jokes, but some things just flat out piss me off. For example, there are random scenes with Jailbreak where feminist themes are just shoehorned into her dialogue. This would normally be ignorable, but at the end of the…