“The Emoji Movie” might seem like a brazenly cynical cash grab that only exists because a Hollywood studio saw an opportunity to brand the most universal human language since the invention of math (apologies to Esperanto), but Sony Pictures Animation’s big new blockbuster has represented something very positive since the start of this summer movie season: hope. Specifically, the hope that — for 90 beautiful minutes — Hollywood would spirit us away to a cinematic world that was somehow actually worse than real life. What a gift it would be in July 2017 to leave the multiplex and actually come up on our way back to reality, to feel the faint nausea of ascension for the first time all year…

Once in a lifetime you'll come across a film that truly captures the history and cultural distinctions of the modern world the way a person can subjectively perceive it through our guided field of perspective. I have to admit, I had my doubts when I first learned of the movie. After all, a movie based on emojis? Those annoying things people send in texts? Come on, Sony. You’re really pushing it. How ignorant was I to even have these thoughts.

Little did I know I was about to indulge in what may have been the best 5 hours and 38 minutes of my life. The movie started out strong. The opening scenes enticed the audience with a captivating enigma. I…