Sonic the Hedgehog ★½

My first 2020 film LETS DO IT 

Sonic the Hedgehog 
2/13/2020

It brings me no joy to give Sonic a bad review, which brings the total joy Sonic gave me to zero.

Please read the next paragraph with increasing speed as you go along, on your mark, get set, GO!

When his home planet is attacked by, uh, miniature Sonic/Predator things Sonic escapes to Earth using magical golden rings that transform into portals to other worlds. He lands in Green Hills, Montana where he spends years creepily stalking the residents of the small town. He watches movies through their windows, he has conversations they’ll never hear and he keeps little trinkets in a dank, underground cave he calls home. One night a game of 1 person baseball (which you have to see to believe) gets out of hand, a frustrated Sonic runs the diamond so fast that all of the power on the West Coast shuts down; triggering alerts to the government that something weird is happening. The government hires Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey) to investigate. Then a small town cop aspiring to be a big town cop Tom (played by James Marsden), discovers Sonic in his garage. Tom shoots Sonic with a tranquilizer gun, he accidentally drops a magic ring which open a portal to San Francisco, and then he accidentally drops all of his rings into the portal which leads Sonic and Tom to take a road trip to San Fran to recover his rings, with the evil Dr.Robotnik trying to capture them both.

Take a deep breath.

The effects are actually decent, Sonic the Hedgehog is competently shot, technically, it's a well made movie but the writing, the goddamn writing is so incredibly painful. It’s like the writers looked up every trending Reddit post, meme and internet trope that was PG appropriate and threw it in the script. We have Keanu jokes, iPhone jokes, Amazon jokes, "floss" dancing, big stupid Toyota and Chevy ads, and MULTIPLE Olive Garden jokes. None of it has any heart, any resonance or any actual creativity. There’s no real humor just a 2019 Internet Joke Yearbook. It’ll be absolutely and spectacularly irrelevant in less than a year. 

No kid’s favorite movie is going to be Sonic the Hedgehog, because it’s not even a Sonic movie. Aside from the 2 minutes we spend on his home planet, nothing makes this story about Sonic. You could swap him out for Mario, Donkey Kong, Samus, Pikachu, a Digimon, a Furby, anything, because this story doesn’t give a shit. It’s a road trip movie about a man who is annoyed with his sidekick. 

So, how’s Jim Carrey? It kinda sucks to watch him do stuff like this. Carrey used to be able to make anything funny and vibrant and entertaining. From Dumb and Dumber to Ace Ventura to Batman Forever and The Cable Guy, I mean even if the movie wasn’t good you could at least say “Golly Ma, wasn’t that Jimbo really sunthin’?” To be fair Carrey had the most interesting scenes due to his unpredictability as a villain but his silly rubber face wasn’t enough to make me forget the lifeless, corporate corpse of a family film he’s trapped in. I don’t get why he did this? Is he out of Republicans to paint? 

Actually that’s maybe the best thing I can say about this McRib (my phone wants to autocorrect this every time I type movie, so I’m keeping it), by hiring Carrey, it’s safe to assume this entire production was Anti-Trump which is a great cause. So actually, ya know what? Fuck it, go see this movie, it’s wonderful.

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