Jurassic Park

11-YEAR-OLD
Well, that was extremely terrifying.

DAD
Does "extremely terrifying" mean you didn't like it?

11-YEAR-OLD
...Not so much extremely terrifying as extremely traumatizing.

*And scene*

And that was after having already called mom to come pick up the scared (scarred?) six-year-old halfway through. Dad of the Year, right?

I'm abstaining from bestowing a new star rating at this point considering the multiple distractions kept me from ever really getting to focus on the movie (Holden also had to step out twice because it was just "too intense"). But considering all the listeners I've heard from who are huge fans, and that one guy who listed it as THE BEST FILM OF THE LAST 25 YEARS(!) in Matt Singer's recent Criticwire survey, I'm going to go ahead and call JURASSIC PARK (3D) "overrated."

Sure, Spielberg delivers thrills; he's Steven Spielberg. I'd forgotten, however, just how annoying Laura Dern's grunting and shrieking is... how broadly over-the-top and unfunny Wayne Knight is, in classic tin-ear-for-comedy Spielberg fashion... how much the kids, despite growing on you throughout the movie, initially seem like catalog cutouts come to life, as 'fake' as the family standing behind the aged Private Ryan... and just how much the whole thing seems like Alien: The Ride. Crichton and Koepp deserve credit though for writing a screenplay that only has one (that I recall) laugh-out-loud dated line, rendered by the Stepford granddaughter when she says, "Ooh, it's an interactive CD-ROM!"

During the first T-Rex attack, Holden leaned over and whispered to me: "They sure could use Indiana Jones right about now." So could I, kid. So could I.

FINAL TALLY
Holden: 3/5
Sophie: 3/5
Quinn: Will ask his therapist